The Other End of the Sexual Spectrum

One of the qualities that best defines a modern qadishtu is a an openness and acceptance for people's sexuality. It's not unusual to hear about bizarre fetishes, disturbing fantasies and embarrassing secrets. We smile, explain to the person there's nothing wrong with them, and proceed to answer their questions or point them in the right direction. But just when you think you've heard it all, somebody will surprise you.

A couple of months back, a friend asked me if I did work with asexuals. It was a somewhat unusual request, but I knew she was starting to date again (a decidedly tricky situation), and agreed. We scheduled a time to get together to talk.

I first asked her to give me a bit of her history of relationships, and asked her about her asexuality. She said that she had felt that way her whole life, and had grown to accept herself, coming to realize that nothing was wrong with her - it was just the way it was. I needed to make sure that she wasn't avoiding sex due to incest or abuse, and this was clearly not the case. She had had one long-term relationship, but it had been about 20 years back. Since then, she had met a few people she liked, but when they found out, they were unwilling to date her. She had recently met someone she was interested in, and was trying to figure out how and when to tell her about her preferences.

We next talked about what sexual activities she did and didn't enjoy. She told me that she really enjoyed kissing and cuddling, but most things past that just didn't turn her on. They weren't unpleasant, but they weren't pleasurable. She had attended a couple of cuddle parties, and said that she really enjoyed that level of contact. She was definitely looking for a long-term, intimate relationship, and felt attracted to both men and women.

I then asked her if she was a monogamous asexual or if she was perhaps interested in non-mongamous relationships. (Non-monogamy is a great way for asexuals to get their needs met.) She hadn't considered this before, and said she would likely be willing to be non-monogamous if she had some level of friendship or relationship with her partner's partner as well. We also talked about personals websites for asexuals. She had perused them a bit, but found that most of the people there were much younger than her.

The conversation turned next to the person she had recently started spending time with. She agreed that she needed to inform her new interest soone rather than later so as to not lead the other person on. I said that while asexuality was definitely not a disease, it was similar to having an STD: it was important to be honest with people a few dates in if it felt like things were going places. It was true that some people would automatically say no, but others would not have a problem with her needs (though it would definitely narrow her pool of available candidates quite a bit). While this need probably seems strange to many, it's not too different than what other single people experience as they go through life and find that their tastes and preferences have become more refined and discerning.

When we ended our conversation, she finally decided that she was going to have a few more dates before having "the talk." A couple of weeks later, she told me that she had never actually broached the subject; she had determined somewhat naturally that there were other, more important incompatibilities.

It is likely that we will work together further and do some role-playing to give her an opportunity to practice "the talk" and perhaps strategize for how to find people to date. Regardless, though, she told me that it felt really good to be able to have an conversation about a part of her life she normally kept hidden from those around her.

This is the gift of the qadishtu: acceptance as complete, whole, worthy, lovable human beings, regardless of where our desires may fall on the sexual spectrum.