Where it all began

The Qadishtu Path began for Amanda and I with Martine over twelve years ago.

Amanda went to our nearby Lake Michigan beach every morning to watch the sun come up at dawn and journal before going to work. One day a lovely 20-year-old redhead was there, naked inside her loosely wrapped blue terrycloth bathrobe. They made small talk together that summer day and after many similar morning meetings became friends.

Martine confided that she was a virgin in a strange relationship with her live-in boyfriend J. He had an aversion to touch ... no kissing and no "normal" sex was possible. J only liked bondage, whether it be with him bound, or Martine immobilized. He was in therapy to deal with a variety of psychosexual problems and she had been OK with their situation because two teenage traumas had induced vaginismus (technically colpismus) ... the fear of being sexually penetrated.

They were completing their undergraduate degrees and lived a block away from us with several other university students in a large apartment. It was a typical college environment where everyone was exploring their sexuality and new adult freedoms. Martine and J had been a couple for two years and she desparately needed to release her pent up sexual feelings with someone experienced who would go slowly and not violate her boyfriend's trust.

Summer turned to autumn and their mornings at the beach ended. One weekend day Martine showed up at our door with a rose for Amanda and I finally met her. My wife had broached the possibility of me being the one to assist her sexual awakening and while Martine really liked the idea, I had strong doubts. She was the same age as our youngest daughter and I was 21 years older. My wife and I had not yet opened up our marriage to outside partners and this was a very radical proposal to me. Another big concern was J and his feelings.

So, we had them both over as a couple to dine with us and discuss how everyone felt. At the end of dinner J came up to me and said he would be eternally grateful if I'd help Martine. He was wracked with guilt about his inadequacy to perform and the pressure was making it worse. In fact, J had become addicted to alcohol trying to obliterate his shame and self-loathing. These two young people really loved each other, but had some serious problems to work out.

I finally agreed to assist Martine with her sexual fears. This was not difficult duty as she was bright, attractive and very fit. Even still, I had not had a partner other than Amanda for the previous 13 years and was slow to initiate our first session. So slow, that one day when Martine was over, she said it was time and then led me into our guest bedroom. Our tryst was very unplanned and spontaneous, which was key to relaxing her PC muscles.

We had talked about what eroticized her. Martine was very turned on by older, professorial men. She also had a spoken foreign language and strong reading fetish. So I read a German novel to her for a while and we began a slowly building eight hour session with lots of foreplay that was not stopped by vaginismus or fear. By the end of our loveplay Martine was no longer a virgin and my Path as a Qadesh had begun.

Postscript: This exchange in late 1996 was the unofficial beginning of Terra Incognita and our attempts to integrate expansive sexuality with spirituality. Martine was present when we began the Symposium discussion group on this topic and went on to be an important part of the Temple after she graduated and studied for a year in Rome. Once M's fear of sex was gone, her appetite was insatiable and I had many memorable explorations of my own sexual boundaries with her (fodder for future posts). Martine became our most financially successful Qadishtu Priestess in her late 20's and eventually left Temple work to get married and raise a family.

Unfortunately, we were unable help her boyfriend J. He sank deeper and deeper into alcoholism and extremely self-abusive BDSM practices. Martine loves him to this day, but after they graduated and toured Europe together his unwillingness to face life and grow as a person, led to their eventual breaking up. I really wish we could have done more to help J, but one reality of Qadishtu work is that not everyone is a good fit for the paradigm.

You win some and you lose some.

David