Welcome to a New Beginning!

I am a Lady, an African American, a Witch, A Qadishtu Priestess and I am proud to be an American. My faith in this great country was restored when millions of Americans voted for our President-Elect. He represents new hope, new light, new experiences, and a new beginning. I truly feel that a breath of fresh air radiated down upon us all on January 20, 2009. Shortly after the November Election, I booked my airline tickets. I didn't know what I was going to do and I already had a place to stay so I was set to experience this Historic event up close and personal.

I started to read about the inaugural events and made up my mind to try to see and take pictures of everything that I could. The excitement of the occasion began to color my every word and step. I have always exhibited my pride, my confidence and my love for the craft/path. Now I will get the chance to show each of these attributes amongst others who would understand. I was told that I was invited to a selection of events and immediately became emotional and excited beyond words. Oh and then my father said a phrase that would set my mood above the moon... Get that Ball Gown ready! Oh joy!!!

The days leading up to my trip I would tell a few people about me leaving and they would look at me with such awe and admitted jealously. I loved that fact that so many people wanted to be there and wished me well. I contemplated the huge significance of those who wanted to be there and those who would actually come. It was estimated over a million would attend the events. Wow, they didn't know the half of it.

I flew up to D.C on Friday. There were a few folks on the plan who were there for the inauguration as well. I am also one who never meets a stranger so of course I talked to a few folks on the plane and they were just excited as I was. When I arrived, I hugged my father and all the way to the house we talked about the significance of our incoming President. He was a child of the 60s and was in Memphis the day that a King was shot. He was inspired to have such a strong man running for Presidency that he for the first time during the election worked the polls and volunteer alot of his time to see his candidate win.

I must also tell you that I am an eclectic soul. I can feel at ease anywhere I go. I attend church services of many different faiths upon occasion. I always visit my father's church because it is steeped in Southern black tradition with a very modern edge of plain speak. The church was established by Freed Slaves back in the early 1800's. I have always been impressed with their energy and on this Sunday the annual tribute to MLK commenced. I was filled with hope and tears watching as the comparisons between the President who freed the slaves, MLK and our President was struck. I watched the youth act out and describe what my forefathers had to endure to be recognized as citizens and to be able to vote. I heard the words of MLK and our future President side by side stirring my emotions. I sang the Negro National Anthem with pride and thought about the many folks who attended the free concert on the Mall in front of the President L. On this day, I recommitted to volunteer and select ways of volunteering that honored my path as well as gave back to my local community. On Monday, I had an opportunity to go to a cleansing/blessing ritual which was held by three local spiritual progressives. They cleanse and charged a crystal that resembled Washington Monument and drummed to send any negativity away from D.C. and bring a healthy spiritual energy to welcome the new President. I didn't get the chance to view this but I felt the energy. I worked and volunteered at three agencies and then went to the Metro to pick up my ticket. I found out the next day that it was a very smart thing to do!!!

I got up early and got ready. We went down to the Metro station and it was packed with people. As we drove up people were walking from miles around to get to ride the Metro. We had a friend drop us off and we walked up past a few folks to ask the officer where do we go. He told us to go right here. He point to the line and we did just that. We walked up admittedly in front of a bunch of people and no one said a word. We got on the metro rail and the journey began. No one fussed about us being able to walk right almost the head of the line and everyone was actually cheering and excited to get on the train. Once on the train we had to stand up for one hour and 30 minutes. From where we picked up the rail, it would have normally taken less than 20 mins. There was alot of announcements about street closures and everyone knew that the Smithsonian exit would be closed but they kept saying it. It was due to security. Some folks got a bit frustrated and got off to walk blocks to the inauguration. Some on my train had tickets to the infamous Purple and Blue Gates. I didn't have a ticket. I was planning on getting downtown and watching it on the big jumbotron somewhere. Everyone was in such good spirits. Folks were chanting Fired up! and his name. Everyone one was smiling and of course the only disappointment I saw was when we would come up to a stop and there was no room to get on our "car". That made me feel a bit bad but happy that I wasn't on the outside. Yes it was cold out there but it was a hot box with all of those folks crowded on the seats, down the aisle and near the doors. We finally made it to the Metro Court stop and got off toward Pennsylvania Ave.

There were so many folks on the street and vending and profiting off such a historic moment. I stopped to buy a few trinkets and kept going forward to the hotel. Every one's face was full of promise, tears and just excitement. Everywhere I went, you can tell this was a special time for everyone in the world. I met people from different countries and those who travelled all across the U.S. to be here just like me. Once at the hotel, we had to get checked off the list and receive our armbands that would let us into the events for the rest of the day. We decided to go to the room because the moment was almost about to happen. We watch the actual moment on TV.

As a former political scientist and constitutional law lover, I was extremely disappointed in the chief justice mistake. He must remember to use a crib sheet from this point on!! My dad laughed at me later because he said you were right that it was the chief justice who got it wrong. I also told him that no matter what the 20th amendment says that he is President at 12noon. I immensely impressed by the co-founder of the SLC who gave the benediction. It was great to remember the Negro National Anthem and to have someone make us laugh! He was the best!

After the official swearing in, we went to lunch in the viewing room of the hotel. It was an amazing view full of people that I knew, some celebrities, news media and the such. The food was delicious with open bar (nice!). At one point, I believe when the bush left everyone started taking pictures of his helicopter. Funny note: I got a joke in a text that said don't forget to shave your bush on January 20th because it's the end of the bush era. lol.
Anyway, everyone wave to say goodbye and some of the phrases were not so nice. I heard the some boo'd the soon to be former President when he walked out during the Inauguration. Sigh...well that mood didn't last long before the cheering, laughter and the celebration resumed.

We got ready to put our coats back on to go down and watch the parade. I heard that it was being delayed and everyone knows that reason now. We got to see the new president walk down the street with his wife. What a strong confident couple. I was again brought to tears at the significance of the moment. I was proud that he was our President even regardless of race or creed. Here was someone who grew up with a Bohemian mother, grandparents and a Nigerian father. He is America and resembles us all. Many have said not to treat him as a Messiah and I am glad. He is not a Messiah but he is one who has motivated many to change our History.

I celebrated with over 1,000 folks at the ball that night. No it wasn't one of the chosen balls attending by the President. Nonetheless, I had immeasurable fun dancing, glamming it up and basking in a new promise for our country! I never thought I would experience such a historic event as this. I am very grateful and hope that this feeling last for a very long time. We danced until the music stopped playing and went up to bed. I woke up to read every news paper I could get my hands on and relived every moment of the day and night like most of you did: replays on TV!! I left a few days afterward. I saw many people of all walks of life with Presidential paraphernalia on. I saw pride and excitement on every one's face. I saw many people talking and communicating like never before. What a good time to be alive! What a great time to experience something new and refreshing. What a time to be happy about our future even though it will take hard work for everyone, we believe it could happen now.

Final Note: A young America elects first African American president. A nation that moves forward while looking back at our struggles was a theme for so many after the election through to the inauguration. There are so many names mentioned in that struggle for equality as each of us struggle for religious equality and acceptance. I view the moments of that struggle as we advance history to elect this president as a close parallel to our steps to keep freedom of religion and other rights that we in an alternative walk hold near and dear. I am proud to be able to walk my path of the Qadishtu even though who and what we are not always accepted within our society. The struggle for equality in for many have always been a fact of life but with this election the barrier the separate us grows thinner....and thank the Gods for this new hope, this new light, this new experience and this wonderful new beginning.

Namaste',
Gryn

My year with genital herpes

I went to the post office like any other day. It was a little startling to see an envelope addressed to me in my own handwriting until I remembered going to the doctor a few weeks before. I had gone to my first visit to a new doctor, and they had taken blood and urine samples for testing. I had been given an envelope to address for mailing my results to me. I had no expectation of anything negative showing up.

Of course, as you can tell from the title of the post, the envelope held bad news. I was positive for both type one and type two herpes. I had never had any symptoms. As I waited for my husband to come home, I started researching the disease over the internet, trying to understand what had happened.

I verified that it was possible for me to have the disease and yet no symptoms. Not only that but it’s very common so the person who infected me might have had no symptoms either. According to several sources, about 50 to 80 percent of American adults have type one herpes, which is usually oral. It is often transmitted in childhood in nonsexual contact with an adult. One in five people have HSV-2, which usually presents in the genitals. My chances as a sexually active woman are even higher (one in four) than if I had a penis. It is sexually transmitted.

I began the humiliating process of calling my lovers to tell them the news and suggest that they get tested. I was actively involved with the two of the people on that list, and they both agreed to get tested right away. The third person I had had sex with was no longer a part of my life, but the number I had for him still worked. He said he would not be able to do so right away but would get to it in a few months.

I went back to the doctor to discuss my diagnosis. She explained much of what my research had told me. She told me that, since I had no symptoms and assuming my husband would test positive, there wasn’t anything I needed to do. I disagreed. I asked to be put on Valtrex, which would lessen my chances of passing the disease on to anyone else. After three years of unprotected sex with my husband, we began using condoms.

My insurance would not cover a second test. I asked what type of test they had given me, but neither the doctor nor the technician could tell me beyond that it was a test for IgG antibodies. As opposed to earlier, less reliable tests for IgM antibodies. I had hoped to take a different test, but I do not know if the second test was the same as the first. It was cheaper to use an online service than my doctor’s office. The second test was the ELISA test.

My husband and lover both tested negative for HSV-2. My results for the second test were the same as the first. I called my ex-boyfriend and encouraged him to get tested, going as far to tell him that since both of my other lovers tested negative, it meant he most likely was not. He felt that, since he was in a monogamous relationship, it was not urgent that he get tested. My husband and lover were tested again about six months after their first tests with the same results.

What followed was a pretty stressful time. My husband hating using condoms, and my lover and I agreed not to have intercourse. I scrutinized every sensation related to my vulva. Was that sensation the elastic of my underwear or something under my skin that I couldn’t see, crawling up my nerves, shedding infectious skin cells on people I loved? I couldn’t see any sores. I was healthy on the surface, but something in my blood made that a lie.

I even felt guilty for being so distressed. It’s not like I had cancer or anything else that threatened my life or even hindered it except for the blue pill I took every night. I bet someone in constant pain or difficulty breathing would trade me diagnoses in a second.

I kept telling myself that I was the same person I was before the test results, but I didn’t feel the same.

Then several months later, I got a call from my ex-boyfriend. He had tested negative. I was glad that he wasn’t infected but I was very confused. All the people I had ever had sex with were negative for this sexually transmitted disease. It didn’t make sense.

I called the national hotline for herpes. The woman on the phone told me that the situation I described was impossible. Someone must have gotten tested for IgM anti-bodies instead of IgG. She implied that someone was lying to me. When I asked if I could have been infected at birth, she scornfully told me, “You would know if that happened.”

I got off the phone hurt and distressed. I simply didn’t believe that any of the men I had trusted with my body would lie to me. I confirmed with each about the type of anti-bodies tested. I began to research more on-line. Eventually, I found an article about the Western blot test used as confirmatory test in cases of women with a low positive HSV-2 score on ELISA tests. In this research project, 30% of women with a low positive result with ELISA were found to be negative by Western Blot. I had to research even more to learn what exactly a “low positive” was and to check the results from over six months earlier to see that I did qualify.

Having been frustrated by my general practice doctor not understanding why I would want to use Valtrex, I talked to my gynecologist about getting the Western Blot. It is only performed at the University of Washington, but it is considered the gold standard of herpes testing. My doctor knew of the test as a confirmatory tool, but she wasn’t sure how to order it. I printed out the information off of the University of Washington website and faxed it to her.

This is getting long, so I won’t go too far into the comedy of errors that was trying to get my blood to Seattle. UW wouldn’t pay, even though I was paying the full cost of the test out of my pocket or allow me to reimburse them for shipping the package. My doctor wouldn’t either. Only some Fed Ex locations ship biological material and even after calling first the second time, I managed to visit two places that did not. The high point found me in tears in my office at work announcing to my supervisor that that there was a box with a vial of my blood in the crisper of the refrigerator of our break room.

Two blood draws and a few hundred dollars later, three human scientists independently verified that I was negative for HSV-2. I am very relieved and angry at the barriers I had faced to get to that point. I believed for almost exactly a year that I had genital herpes. I found new ways to be sexual in that time. I dealt with the feeling of being “damaged goods.” I had to tell old lovers and new ones that I was a risk to their health. I had to decide whether I was willing to take the chance of infecting someone I cared about with an incurable disease every time I approached intimacy with another person. I looked down the long road of an entire lifetime of doing all of this. I learned to celebrate and enjoy my sexuality despite it all. All of that will make me a better priestess when someone else who is diagnosed with this very common disease comes to me for comfort and understanding.

Qadishti Daily living

I was at work and she was outside on break. She was clearly upset and pre-occupied in her head with no awareness to anything around her. As i stood there I listened to the creek and watched the squirrels play, climbing up and down the trees. I look over to her a moment and she is still in her same pose.

I say to her, "Its so nice to have such beautiful scenery here at work for us to escape to from time to time during our work day" And i brought her focus to the babbling of the creek, the sound of the birds chirping/singing in the trees, the squirrels running and playing up and down the trees and then i said..."i just watch, listen, take a deep breath and just sink into all the wonder around me right now" I then inhaled deeply and exhaled and said "Ahh..."wonder".....its a beautiful thing and just melts the stress away"

I then turned around to walk back into the building and unknown to me, when i was inhaling and exhaling, she was doing it along with me. She stopped me before i entered the building and just simply said "Thank you." I smiled a gentle smile, put my hand out and shook her hand and introduced myself, she introduced her self and i held onto her hand for just a moment more, continued to smile a gentle smile and said, "Your welcome"

I walked back to my desk thinking what a wonderful moment that was and how i have had many of these types of moments in the last 5 years and then i realized thats it's Qadishti daily living. That even if i am not mentoring someone or even if we are not having a sacred touch ceremony that being a Qadishtu touches every part of my life, therefore touching others on a daily basis.

Namaste'
Amber

Qadishti moment

Sometimes we have people that come to us for Qadishti work, and sometimes we have ‘Qadishti moments’. Moments where we become Qadishti with the person we are with, though that wasn’t the intention to begin with.

These ‘moments’ seem to happen to me when I’m with someone new. My walls drop and I become vulnerable, soft, loving. I embrace the Divine within me and share that with the person I’m with.

One person that comes to mine is R. My husband and I decided that we wanted to find a guy for me to play with. We do odd things like this sometimes, so that we can attempt to grow into the people we want to be. Well, R came to the house and Dan let him know the rules and boundaries that we wanted to stick to. R was ok with them all.

I know he had to be nervous. He was an overweight guy and said that he was too shy to try and find dates the normal way, so he decided to answer our ad. I could feel my heart swelling. I wanted this to be an experience that he wouldn’t forget. I wanted him to feel loved and cherished.

Dan left the room but wasn’t far away. I held R’s hands and looked him in the eye. I cherished him with my look and my energy. Then, I kissed him. I fell into the kiss and blocked everything else out. It was about him and me. Once he started breathing heavy, I leaned back and slowly started to strip. I looked him in the eye, whenever he glanced up at my face. He saw that I was turned on by stripping for him. He allowed himself to reach out to touch me and felt me melt under his hand.

He moaned and pulled me toward him, kissing me more. Slowly, I undressed him. I touched him and moaned into his lips.

Soft, gentle, loving. He was lapping up everything I gave him. He was starved for loving touch.

He knew that intercourse wasn’t going to be part of the ‘scene’, but he was ok with that. I lovingly made love to his cock with my lips. He was flying high when I was done.

I felt like I was glowing with light and love for this person and he could see it and feel it.

When it was time for him to leave, he was shaking my husbands hand and giving him heartfelt thanks. All of us were smiling and hugging.

As it turned out, I was not to see R again in this capacity. He wrote my husband and I and said that he was afraid that he was falling in love with me, and that wasn’t the route he wanted to take with his life.

It was a couple of weeks later when we saw him again at a local dance for large men and women. He came up to us and thanked us. Being with me had brought him out of his shell enough for him to come out and try the dance. He was having a great time. I couldn’t ask for anything more from a Qadishti moment.

Mom or Qadishti?

Qadishtu is something that I do for others to help them with their lives, to help them with their pain, to help them with their self-image, and to help them with their sexuality. I help seekers: any kind and all kinds of seekers. I help individuals and couples and groups who come to me, or to my co-priest(ess) and myself, wanting help. I help acquaintances or friends or strangers. Sometimes I help dear friends and loved ones.

But something changed the other night. That night I was wearing my ‘Mom’ hat. I was helping my kids with homework and fixing dinner – doing the normal home/Mom stuff. Things were going smoothly all night long. About 10:PM my son says goodnight and heads up for bed. I was sitting at my computer enjoying the unusual quiet and getting some work done.

I hear a whimper and my head jerks up and around. My daughter was standing in the doorway. It was clear that she had cried as her was face wet from tears. I noticed that she was trembling. So I practically dropped my laptop down to the ground and asked her what was wrong.

She moved much faster than I thought possible. She fell into my lap and curled into me as she broke out in full sobs. Since I had been in Mom mode, I continued to quiz her. I asked, ‘what happened?’ I asked, ‘had she heard a strange noise?’ I asked, ‘ had she seen something strange on the computer’? Each question she answered with a shrug. Since I had no idea what she had been doing before she came rushing into see me, I had no idea what direction my questions should follow.

I remember feeling so helpless: I mean what kind of Mom was I when I was unable to get the to speak to anything? I was unable to comfort her. At that point, I just rocked her while I racked my thoughts as to what had possibly caused this melt down.

Then I realized that I had been slowly stroking her from her shoulder, down her arm and across her hip and leg until I was no longer able to reach. It dawned on me that when I reached the end of her leg; my hand would automatically brush off the negativity.

‘Duh!’ I had to remind myself that while I am Mom first, I was also a priestess of Qadishtu. At this point all I needed to change was the ‘hat’ that I wore from the ‘Mom hat’ to my ‘Qadishtu hat’. I realized that my hands and my soul had been telling me what my mind had not heard: different tools were needed. It struck me that my ‘Mom hat’ was getting in the way of my helping my daughter.

So I then took several deep, cleansing breathes. I re-focused my mind. I opened my soul and began pulling out the pain. The wailing strengthened. I hesitated and pulled back. She calmed down a bit. I started pulling pain again and the wailing worsened again. Again I hesitated. Again she calmed. I decided then to just push on again and so I did. After another 10 minutes of wailing her breathing had begun to fluctuate. I continued to pull out the pain. After 20 minutes, she started to blow her nose quietly, but she was still curled in my lap. It became time to heal. I began to push in warmth.

After some time, she sat up and pushed off my lap. I waited to see what she would do next. I watched as she gave herself a whole body shake and rolled her neck as if to shake out the rest of the hurt.

I sat and studied her. I was tempted to say or ask something. Anything. But I let her be alone in her head and pull herself together. It was probably only 5 minutes even though it felt longer in Mom years. Suddenly she turned and began to walk into the other room without saying a word. Startled, I asked, “So can you tell me what just happened?” She said she ‘just needed me.’ With that she just turned and left the room.

Sometimes it is easier to be a Qadishti priestess than a Mom.

Receiving

Yesterday, my wife and I were joined by our Path of the Qadishti peers to share some teachings on sacred touch as a connection tool to each other.

Sometimes I lead these, but yesterday I was struck by the need to be person receiving.

It is amazing what we accomplish by working together. Our group yesterday created sacred space, a magical space, that allowed each of us to receive or give as needed. I needed to receive, and that need was met.

All without ego, without hierarchy. Although there are styles and teaching, the true depth of this comes from within. Allowing yourself to breath out, relax, drop your shields and receive. Breath out, relax, and allow yourself to give.

Michael Mirdad mentions "The sexual healing process involves learning the difference between healthy (spiritually-centered) and unhealthy (ego-centered) sexual encounters"(1) and this was very apparent and felt yesterday in our small space. We were a group of people who were acting as one to heal all; acting as all to share in the one.





1 - Sacred Sexuality--A Manual for Living Bliss by: Michael Mirdad)

As we enter into the New Year, one of the resolutions I'm currently thinking about is "How can I continue to grow and learn on this amazing path of the Qadishti? How can I best continue to serve others and nourish myself in the process?"

I don't have answers yet. I am watchful, paying attention, I don't want to miss a sign. And then again, if I spend my time being watchful, waiting for signs, what opportunities might I be missing due to not just simply taking action?

So this morning, I am reminding myself to continue to make an effort to focus on people when I meet them. Not just the cursory glance, but to give them unconditional love with no strings attached. Look them directly and sincerely in the eye. I don't know their stories, but for the moment that we are interacting, I am a part of their story and they are a part of mine. I may learn something from it, I may not...but what is truly lost from the effort? Can there really be any "downside" to acknowledging another human being?

This morning I am reminding myself to continue giving the loved ones already in my life the unconditional love that THEY deserve. To tell them how important they are to me. How cherished.

This morning I am reminding myself to continue treating MYSELF with the unconditional love that I deserve. If I am not at peace with myself, all of the above is useless. Of no worth.

Many wishes to my fellow Qadishtu for a 2009 that is beautiful, loving and filled with opportunities for growth - both our own, and others.