The Qadishti Experience

Recently I have been going through some personal things, not feeling that great about myself, went through a break up and a recent surgery and I have a friend who is the most beautiful person i have ever had in my life and she is a fellow Qadishtu and I love her with every fiber of my being.

Often I write about what I do for others as a Qadhistu but not to often do I write about what others do for me. This person shows me loving kindness on a daily basis, encourages me to move forward, gives me magickal advice and reminds me often that i am a treasured soul just the way i am. She is magnicifant and I could never thank her enough for all she has done for me lately to get me through my own hard times.

Karen, you are a treasured friend and soul sister, I love you very much. You amaze me how you walk the path of the Qadishti on a daily basis and how you touch the lives of so many in such a positive way. Thank you for all you have done for me.

Love you,
Love amber

Some Days...

Some days, you just don’t feel it.

Some days you are just too drained, too tired, too spent, too fragile, too lost in your own primal scream of pain to believe you have anything left for anyone else.

I was as deeply depressed as I can ever remember, certainly deeper than I’d been in several years. My mate and I had weathered our first real misunderstanding, and I was still reeling. Nothing felt solid anymore. Beliefs I’d held about our relationship, beliefs I’d held about myself had been shattered, and I was still trying to re-gather the pieces. I was convinced I had failed everyone – my mate, everyone we were collectively involved with, and most of all myself. Sure, my Beloved and I had talked things through and come to an understanding, but the repercussions went beyond the two of us, and I could feel the loose threads of misunderstanding and confusion threatening to unravel everywhere. My pain set off a chain reaction, and was affecting other people. I had to do something to fix it.

Of course, I know better than to try and fix other people’s emotions. Or, at least I should know better. As an empath and a caregiver, sometimes surfing the boundaries of what people really need versus what I think they need can be tricky. I know that if I could find a way to take the pain for everyone else in the universe and somehow make everyone happy, I wouldn’t even hesitate. Hurt me – I can take it. Anything to spare the people I love. Happily the gods haven’t shared that particular secret with me yet, which is likely a good thing. People need the bad with the good, the pain with the pleasure, the struggle with the accomplishment. Otherwise no one would appreciate the good things when they happen, or grow into the people they are meant to be. Some days I’m pretty good at keeping perspective and not trying to interfere with the parts that aren’t mine to fix. Other days, not so much.

On this day, I had to try, if for no other reason than the fact I sensed others trying to take on a misplaced responsibility for my feelings. And if I’m nothing else, I’m adamant about owning my own stuff and not placing blame or responsibility on anyone but myself. So, I decided to speak my own truth, and take ownership of my feelings, publicly. Loudly. So that no one could possibly misunderstand. I chose to use Livejournal since everyone involved had a blog on that site, and therefore would likely see anything I posted.

My treatise came in two parts – first a general statement regarding my philosophy of relationships, and then a more personal revelation of what had happened between my mate and me. My hope was that in explaining the way I look at things, and my personal theories on the "geometry of Polyamory" I’d diffuse some of the confusion I was picking up on. Then, in being transparent, I could address any specific concerns those who were involved might be harboring. Having spoken my truth, if there were any lingering questions they could ask, and I could leave them to work through their own stuff, armed with information and hopefully understanding. My purpose was fairly specific, aimed at a relatively narrow audience. I hoped they’d understand.

Later in the day, I started reading comments left on the journal entries. I was floored. There was a tearful "Thank you, that’s exactly what I needed to hear!" from a woman I barely knew. Another friend who’d gone through a break up recently spoke up, writing, "I wish more people understood what you are saying here." Another asked if she could share a link to my journal so others could read what I’d written, because she felt it needed to be shared.

The comment that really struck me, however, was in response to the more personal of the entries. "I REALLY admire you for being so 'out there' about this issue. One of the things I find difficult is so many people don't want to talk about their issues...because they perceive it as airing their dirty laundry. I think we rob ourselves of good advice and rob others of learning from us when we are afraid to share." Wow. I’ve always tended to live my life as an open book, but it had never occurred to me that anyone was really paying attention. Suddenly, my pain took on a whole new meaning. Until then, I’d just been writing my pain to get it out. It hadn’t occurred to me that the gods might use that to help others deal with their pain. The moment I’d felt I didn’t have anything left for anyone else, in offering that pain up for the world to see…the gods used it to help heal in ways I’d never expected.

Some days, even if you feel you’ve got nothing left to give anyone else, the gods can use you in spite of yourself. For me, that takes a lot of the "Am I worthy?" out of the equation. And that's a huge comfort on those days you just aren't feeling it.

Kitty Qadishtu

I saw her sitting off to the side, watching the various scenes going on in the dungeon at Frolicon. She was in her wheelchair, but sitting alone. I was playing a cat persona, and while my Master had me on a leash, he was allowing me to explore. When I saw her, I had an overwhelming urge to go and love on her as a cat. I padded up to her on all fours, looked up at her face and meowed softly. A slow smile suffused her face and she reached for me. I took her up on her invitation and moved in to strop her legs, which ended just above her knees. She cuddled me and stroked my hair, while I lavished kitty-love on her. I was particularly drawn to rub lovingly against the part of her that I sensed others tend to avoid. After several minutes, I moved away, but I looked back to see her smiling widely, and I could feel that her energy had shifted. She was back to looking on at the others’ scenes, but now it felt less like she was a curious outsider, and more like a cherished part of the play. She was the only one who fully welcomed and attuned to my cat persona without having to take a moment to realize that’s what I was.

D the Music Man

Do you remember when you were a kid and you got all excited on Easter morning looking in your Easter basket for all of those goodies? Ahh, there it is. That grand prize of a foil wrapped confection. You would close your eyes and reverently embrace that rabbit in both hands and slowly unwrap the foil, careful not to break the fine covering. Mmmmm. Chocolate. Ok, enough of this torture. You would quickly go to nibble on the ears. Crush. Crumbles would fall into your lap at that same moment that you realized that the bunny was hollow. Sigh.
My memories of the hollow Easter chocolate bunny became my frame of reference for a man called D.
I met D thru on a BDSM website. I had been replying to a thread on Sacred Healing and Sacred Trust and he contacted me with further questions. From there we chatted numerous times. D was a student at a local university and so after several months we met for coffee.
D was from a strict Jewish family and his upbringing was crammed with numerous protocols stymieing his sexual exploration. He spoke of a fear of being in close proximity to any human, especially in an intimate setting. He wanted to work with me, in particular, because I had agreed to his decree for no sexual intercourse. D was saving that intimacy for marriage. D wanted to overcome some of his biases, but still he wanted to learn to be a ‘stud lover’ as he termed as this was his interpretation of a 'perfect man'. He wasn’t sure what he needed, just felt that his awkward advances would be a deterrent to a potential mate.
D doubted that there was much I could help him with, while I felt that we had plenty of material on which to work. We started with simple breathing and non-sexual touch. We did sensual, not sexual, touch. We worked on concentration and meditation. I did healing touch work on him. I felt that I was making the tiniest dent in his armor and strived to work harder. Suddenly, he got frustrated and said that I had wasted his time and asked me to leave.
I was angry with myself for not reading his needs correctly. I castigated myself and conferred with some friends. Then D called me and groveled. So we met again. He brought me flowers and explained his confusion. So we started over.
Until D got panicky, that is and I left once more.
I tried multiple times to include a cohort or to refer him to another priestess. D was always insistent that he had made progress with me as his guide.
When we began, D was working on his Master’s degree in Music Methodology. Over the years, he has studied abroad twice, finished his Masters, and now, has almost finished his PhD.
I have worked with D intermittently over this period. Even when he was out of the country, we would communicate by Internet. But, each time that I felt I was making some small, miniscule, almost-to-be-hoped-for progress, D would retreat. I vowed to not work with him again. Yet, D would return pleading, sometimes even with the sound of music, for my help.
That man could sure make some beautiful music. That man had a smile that made your toes tingle. That man seemed to be one to ‘take home to Mama’.
That man was just as empty as my chocolate Easter bunny when it came to being cozy and intimate and comfortable in his own skin and just as yummy on the inside as the outside.
Have I helped D at all?

Have I given him any tools to guide him with intimacy?
I don’t rightly know at this point. D is not speaking with me again.

All Things in Time

About a year ago, a man named "Jim" entered my life through our local Poly support group. I began to spend some time with Jim on a social basis and nearly from the beginning sensed that he might be someone who would benefit from sacred touch, healing touch.

By all outer appearances, Jim seems to have it all. He's in a glamourus career, is tall and handsome, has a beautiful wife who is very accepting of the poly lifestyle and encouraging of his growth, 2 kids, living in the suburbs and the list goes on and on. However, it didn't take very long for me to discover how very lonely Jim is. He struggles with meeting people and forming intimate relationships. His self-confidence is low and I sense that he doesn't feel worthy of love and attention.

At the time, it did not seem appropriate to approach Jim with the suggestion of a sacred touch session. It was what my gut was telling me, but the timing was not right. I can remember telling one of my loves that it was something I was feeling compelled to do with Jim, but that I didn't believe he would be open to it. He is a tough nut to crack and has his walls very high and solid around him.

As my friendship with Jim has grown over the last year, I have learned more about his upbringing, gaining insights into what has contributed to the walls, to the level of self-doubt. I found that I was serving him best by being a shoulder to lean on and providing ears to listen.

Last weekend, Jim took another step and joined us at a local kink party. It was his first one and he was walking around taking it all in. Absorbing the energy. Observing. After a few hours he came up to me and expressed an interst in participating in the evening. It caught me a little off-guard and quite honestly, due to the nature of how our relationship has developed, felt a little awkward as well. However, a voice was telling me that it was time.

I took my time getting him prepared for the scene. He removed his clothing to the level he was comfortable and I leaned him up on a cross, loosely tying him there with rope. I placed a blindfold on him and then paused. Not sure what step to take next. If he had been anyone else, I wouldn't have been as confused. But we have not had an intimate relationship, and in fact, I have specifically avoided touch with him, knowing that he is not typically receptive to it.

I glanced around and saw two women who both know Jim and who I trust. I called them up and set them loose. The showered him with affection. Small bites, kisses up and down his body. Hands stroking him, nails lightly grazing him. Ice melting down his skin followed by the warm touch of lips and tongue. I participated from the edge. I kept contact so as not to lose the connection, but I wanted him to revel in the attentions of people who could freely express their delight in him.

Through this, I also found myself relaxing. Finding my goddess center. My initial awkwardness and uncertainty dissolved and when my two lovely assistants walked off the stage, I was able to take over. I took my time gently stroking his chest, his arms, his legs. I placed my leg between his to gain closer contact to his body and pressed myself against him. I stroked his face, surrounding us with goddess energy. I wanted to take him down from the intensity of many hands on him to the focused, soft touch of just mine.

I could hear his breathing pattern change. Evening out and becoming more measured, peaceful, at ease.

At the end of the scene, I removed his blindfold and looked him in the eye. He embraced me, stroked my hair and said "that is exactly what I needed." He has since asked to have a full sacred touch session which I am looking forward to doing.

It has taken a full year to get to where my gut originally told me I needed to be. The goddess has her own way and her own time table. Namaste.

Karen

Why people seek Qadishti

Over the years the Temple of Terra Incognita (TI) has been approached by all sorts of people. The healthy, wealthly, middle class, poor, male, female, gender fluid, kinky, poly, swinging, celibate, skilled, neophytic, spiritually exploring and broken/disconnected.

Most seekers can't articulate what they are looking for or why they are interested in our services. They often are attracted simply because we are not about any one thing. Results-oriented Chaos Magick and Flow is very important to TI. Being open to whatever happens.

My wife Amanda wrote a post here on 10/3/08 about a married couple (Vi and Leo) we took to a local BDSM playspace. While she and Vi interacted with a submissive stranger, Leo watched from the sidelines, wishing he was the one tied down and being done. Yet something was stopping him. We explored this a month later in the privacy of Elmslie Manor's Temple space.

This couple had come to us wanting to expand their sexual horizon's and their married relationship. Yet there is almost always a hidden agenda. Fortunately, in this case it wasn't marital boredom, infidelity or lies. Vi was already sexually expansive ... Leo however was consumed by fear. We negotiated a BDSM-ish session on the Temple altar were Leo would be done by Amanda and Vi with my creative input.

Everything emotionally imploded with the blindfold and bondage scenario I concocted. Leo confessed that he had been anally gang raped as a teen and his desire for a submissive scene involving a power exchange was being thwarted by the painful memories. I knew he needed to feel safe, loved and realize he had control. We took off the blindfold and restraints and told Leo to relax. This is your fantasy, what do you want?

He told us his fantasy and we did it very carefully, always checking in to see how Leo felt. It wasn't long before blindfolds and bondage were no big deal for him and Vi was able to enjoy her husband without Qadishtu help.

David