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These stories are real, though some details may be fictionalized, to protect confidentiality and identities, but these are actual accounts of Qadishtu moments. Stories can be told from either the point of view of the priest or priestess or from the perspective of the client/seeker/supplicant. The point is - what do we actually DO? This blog seeks to help answer that through example. What we do is incredibly varied, depending on our individual experience, training, gifts, and inclinations, and that's why this is a group endeavor. We all have gems to contribute to the larger understanding of what it means to be Qadishtu and the significant need for this role in our society today.

Please be sure to see our Calendar of Sacred Sexuality & Qadishtu Events at the very bottom of this page!

Monday, August 11, 2008

The 25 Year Old Virgin

Temple Session - The 25 Year Old Virgin

Inara de Luna
August 2008

I've been meeting with a young man (25 years old) who has Asperger's and hasn't yet had sex for the first time. We have spent the first two sessions discussing his life and his experiences with girls/women, while I observed him. This time, we spent a little time catching up, and then delved into some actual "work". I asked him if he was aware of the facial tic he exhibited while talking. He wasn't, and we discussed how people respond to all sorts of weird little things, like facial tics, when they're assessing if they want to get to know someone better. I also asked him if he was aware of other facial expressions he makes while talking. Again, he wasn't. I asked him to look at me with interest - what his face did looked bored - the exact opposite of the effect he was striving for.

So, we sat down together in front of a mirror. I talked to him about how certain features of his face can be used in various ways to change his overall expression. I encouraged him to move his eyebrows, lift the corners of his lips, open his eyes wider, tilt his head different directions, etc, until he started to be able to truly and accurately feel what his face was actually doing and what that was conveying.

Then we tried a role-play exercise, where I pretended to be a woman at a bar, during the set-break of a gig where his band was playing. He walks up to the bar and starts to engage the woman in conversation. I helped him learn that talking all about himself was not the way to endear himself to new people. We explored the possibilities of asking open-ended questions, expressing interest in her and her life, practicing more open and interested facial expressions, and how not to take it too personally if he's rebuffed or a "boyfriend" walks up. Each interaction is a chance to practice and learn more about interpersonal skills.

At this point, we had about 20 minutes left in our session, and he asked if he could hold me. So far, the only touching that occurred between us was hugs at the beginning and ending of our sessions. I wanted to ease into this, as I sensed that this young man's desperation for touch needed to be treated carefully. I also needed to maintain boundaries and some control, so as to protect both him and myself. So, we sat on the floor facing each other, cross-legged so our knees were touching, and I taught him diaphragmatic (or deep belly) breathing. He had trouble with this, so then I had him lay on his back, and as I rested my hand on his abdomen, coached him through deepening his breath and relaxing into it. Once he seemed to have it down somewhat, I had him sit back up and face me cross-legged again. Then I taught him about eye-gazing, and I described how our breath exchange was like sex, and how our hands lightly resting on each others' thighs involved energy exchange, and even molecular exchange, and how these are both sexual too - in and out of one another, in a fluid exchange. As I talked softly and gazed into his eyes, his breathing more naturally deepened.

I then drew him into a yab-yum embrace, with my legs over his and his legs underneath me, our genitals in proximity. I brought his head down to the crook between my neck and shoulder and started caressing his back. His shudders and moans told me that he was enjoying this light, sensual touch. His arms tightened around me, and he burrowed his face in my neck, murmuring how good it felt. I whispered, "You poor thing, you're so starved. You don't get much touch of any kind, do you?" He shook his head and hugged me tighter. This went on for several moments. We then shifted to a lying-down position, with his head resting on my abdomen and our legs intertwined, still clothed. He asked if he could touch my breasts, and I lifted my shirt enough for him to caress and nuzzle them. After a moment, he asked if he could he could *see* me, if he could look, and he indicated my vulva. I said yes, and as I sat up, he laid himself facedown on the floor, with his face about a foot away from my crotch. I lifted my skirt and let him look. The expression on his face was one of awe. I reached down and separated the lips, moving the hair, and let him look more deeply into me. He looked almost as if he was about to cry, then whispered, "thank you!" He told me later that was the first time he'd ever gazed upon a yoni. He was awestruck, and incredibly grateful. Shortly after that, we rearranged ourselves, hugged again and the session was over. He told me that although he desperately wanted to rip off all our clothes and plunge into me, he was glad that I had paced things, so that he's getting to experience this a little bit at a time.

We'll meet again in a couple of weeks...we'll see where the Goddess leads us then.


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