Assuming Permission - Enforcing Boundaries

"YOU do not have permission!"

Inara de Luna

August 13, 2008

Sometimes being Qadishtu isn’t all happy and light. At times, we are presented with an opportunity to demonstrate what it means to be individuals with boundaries and self-respect, and sometimes those opportunities can be difficult or uncomfortable.

I am known within my small, local community as both Qadishtu, and also as a BDSM sub. My partner and I have even given demonstrations and allowed people to try their hand at things like flogging, with me a willing demo sub. Unfortunately, these things seem to convey to people that I have no boundaries, when it comes to sex or BDSM. This is simply not true. However, several times I have had to step up and say, “No!” very clearly and unequivocally when someone has overstepped a bound.

One time, at a “decadence party”, where everyone was encouraged to dress decadently and bring decadent desserts and drinks, a friend with whom I often play, asked if he could paint me. I lifted my skirt and told him he could “paint my ass red”. Tickled, he took a little swat, and then proceeded to get his paints ready. While I was leaned against the sink with my skirt up around my waist, someone else stepped up and started to bring his flogger toward me. I straightened, pulled down my skirt, and whirled on him, saying “YOU do not have permission!” He apologized and walked away. Later, I had several women come up to me and thank me for being so bold. This man had apparently been accosting others, who did not feel so comfortable saying “no”, even though they didn’t want the attention.

To me, this was an example of being a Sacred Sexuality Priestess – I expressed and maintained my own boundaries, based on a high level of self-respect, while also demonstrating for others how they can do the same, and simultaneously protecting those others (as the man in question soon left the party altogether, thus bothering no one further). Additionally, I brought the issue to the attention of all in attendance, that it is NOT okay to assume permission, no matter who the person is who is the recipient of your intentions.