The Perfect Conduit

I’ve spent much of my life being unconventional in my approach to healing work. For years I have included sexual energy as part of the healing process. That’s unconventional enough for most people, but I have also experimented with another area that feels even edgier to me.

When I first started doing sexual healing work, I kept a clear distinction between me, the “healer”, the one who was holding the space, and the “heal-ee”, the one who was receiving the healing. But as I worked more intensively with people, it became harder to maintain those boundaries.

I have done lots of long sessions – being together all day, or several days in a row. I have even camped in the desert for a week with a client. With that amount of exposure, the artificiality of the “healer/healee” relationship begins to dissolve.

At first when this would happen I was horrified. I wasn’t supposed to let my own issues be activated! I wasn’t supposed to cry, or feel uncertain or vulnerable. But it was like trying to stop a river. If it were there, it would flow.

Surprisingly enough, I found over and over that the more authentic I was, the more the client received. I tell the story of one of those times in my book, Tales of a Sacred Prostitute. As I allowed myself to be vulnerable, I allowed my client to be strong, to not be identified as the weak one. To be a man, and to learn how to hold space for a woman.

This issue recently surfaced again. I stopped to see a client at the end of a long trying trip. I was tired and barely recovering from a massive psychic attack received earlier that week. I arrived at his house worn out; bare bones.

Meanwhile, he had built up an expectation that our time together would be ecstatic, that I would show him a glimpse of enlightenment. (No pressure!)

In our last time together, we had begun to work with how his energy could feel invasive to a woman. I had started teaching him about how to husband his energy, to use it to attract a woman rather than invade her.

As we got together again, he told me about a workshop that he had just attended. To make a point about how women and men experience the world differently, the leaders had asked how many woman had considered their personal safety in the last week – parked under a light, didn’t go down an alley, etc. All the women raised their hands. Then they asked the men. None of them raised their hands. My client was having trouble understanding this and found it hard to believe.

As the day wore on, between brief glimpses of enlightenment, issues began surfacing in me about safety. On many occasions, I felt invaded by him. I don’t think this had anything to do with him; it was the issues I was carrying before I got there.

So here’s where it gets sticky. Am I wrong for having my issues? Did I serve him by those issues arising? Since the things that I was feeling are very common feelings in many women, perhaps I was acting as a conduit for that particular energy – a woman feeling unsafe and invaded. Perhaps I was giving him the experience that he needed in order to learn to be with a woman in an intimate relationship, to learn how to be in order to build trust.

I often expect myself to be the perfect channel, a portal to enlightenment. There are times, moments usually, when I can be that. But then there I am, a messy human being like any other, doing the best that I can.

When I begin a session, I always ask that I be used by Spirit for service to the highest good. I try to surrender as much as possible, and let my personal self get out of the way. But what if Spirit is using my personal self, my personal issues, as part of the teaching or healing for that person? Can I surrender enough to let whatever happens just be there in the space?

What if the other person doesn’t like it? What if he had an expectation of something that didn’t get met? It’s easy to doubt myself at that time. But the words to a song keep coming through:

“You can’t always get what you want . . . But if you try sometime, you just might find,
You get what you need.”

safe

Last night, at a "munch" (social gathering before an event), I had a seeker, brand new to any 'alternative' experience come sit with me. We talked, and she shared some issues that brought her out tonight - issues with the boyfriend, sexuality, fear of her own lack of interest. We talked some and we will talk some more later perhaps.

But the hostess came to me and expressed her appriciation that someone could do that with me. "Do what?" I asked. "Come to you, a near stranger, and express her reason for being here, her fears, her self doubts. You give off that sense of safety. That people can share intimate details with you without fear of you (taking advantage of them)".

For me, it is very important to both give off that energy as well as to be that person who can be trusted. For a person to be able to work with a Qadishti and although sacred sexuality can be part of our work together, they are always safe and don't have to worry about sex being anything more than a helpful tool we can share. Never something taken....

Beginning to cultivate this aspect of myself began when I read the below passage....

“A male Tantrist’s attitude toward women is very different from the ordinary male’s. Indeed for the former, all woman embody Shakti and they are not a sex object to be courted for their favors or game to be hunted. Tantric men are neither Casanovas nor Don Juans. Even if she is alone with a male Tantrist, she has nothing to fear; she is totally safe and free to act in any way she pleases.She is respected and will never be bothered or harassed.” (Andre Van Lysebeth, Tantra:The Cult of the Feminine, 1995, p. 84)

Notes from Client ~X~ ... Our first sexual exchange

This this the third post in a series that began on September 12th. Real feelings from a real person. (All names being used here are psuedonyms except for that of David and Amanda who are ~X~'s Qadishti Temple Providers)

A great deal of interpersonal work enabled ~X~ and I to directly address the idea of intimacy during the October Full Moon. It took approximately six weeks of information gathering and getting to know one another before this happened, a much shorter period than I had thought possible. I feel honored to be engaged with someone like ~X~ who has been extremely open to sudden shifts in tempo and trusted my judgement during the process. She definitely took some big risks to change her relationship with the Temple of Terra Incognita last summer. Enjoy ... ~X~ is a skilled writer and her notes on our first sexual exchange are amazing.

Postscript 2/2/09:

This series of posts have been deleted and/or altered at the request of our Client who felt exposed (even though completely anonymous) by having such personal information on the internet. I think her shared thoughts were very valuable contributions to the Qadishtu Experience blog and thank her for allowing them to educate others during the time they were available to be read. I feel Client privacy concerns are always paramount in any Qadishti relationship and must be honored above everything else.

David

Qadesh to Client ~X~ ... 2nd post of series

Note: all names used in this ongoing series are psuedonyms, except that of David and Amanda

The Qadesh/Client relationship described on September 12th has had a minor setback and is finally about to progress. Twelve days ago ~X~'s friend Amy gave her opinion on our proposed relationship. It was not very supportive.

I feel ~X~ should blog her perspective on this, but basically Amy feels that ~X~ is not being honest with me about what she needs and that our Qadesh/Client relationship is doomed to fail. An emotionally detached birthday sexual experience would be fine, but Amy doesn't feel ~W~ could handle the deeper connection with a married Qadesh.

Amy knows her MUCH better than I do and this opinion resonates with what my intuition has told me. However, my go-slow approach to Qadesh/Client exchanges means that we are going to figure this out together. As I said to ~X~ in preliminary discussions ... our mutual goal is multi-faceted ... the sexual part is only one aspect and frankly not the most important part.

I have known ~X~ for quite some time. Her communication skills, intellectual curiosity and trustworthiness are exceptional. Our Q/Client dynamic is based upon attraction and respect, so a deep, slowly evolving relationship is what I think is the best approach. She is not some lonely human being that simply needs loving attention.

My assessment is that ~X~ wants a man who can sincerely enjoy what she has to offer as a person. A man who isn't possessive about her affections and time or attached to Amy (like Steve and Luke). Someone who is focused on her personal growth and is willing to be there long term as a friend, lover and mentor. A Qadesh.

The dangers in this negotiated relationship are many. She must risk love and even worse falling in love. I already like this woman and am excited about growing our feelings. I really doubt that our relationship could ever be as intense as what she shares with Amy and her husband Steve, but I can guarantee it will have it's own life. ~X~ knows that I am doing this in tandem with my wife Amanda and that the goal here is to expand her loving circle in a way that serves her needs in a sensitive way.

What do I get out of this? ~X~ is no sugar Mama who will fund the Temple or pay my bills. However, this does not mean that we won't be reciprocally rewarded. She has already given Terra Incognita a valuable down payment of her time, skills and loyalty. I also really enjoy her company and look forward to the time we spend together.

Next Tuesday 9/30: The First Session

Postscript 2/2/09:

This series of posts have been deleted and/or altered at the request of our Client who felt exposed (even though completely anonymous) by having such personal information on the internet. I think her shared thoughts were very valuable contributions to the Qadishtu Experience blog and thank her for allowing them to educate others during the time they were available to be read. I feel Client privacy concerns are always paramount in any Qadishti relationship and must be honored above everything else.

David

Notes from a new Client and her Qadesh Priest

I'll keep my comments here brief because the thoughts graciously shared below from a *new* Temple of Terra Incognita Seeker (now accepted Client) are very articulate and filled with a wonderfully naked humanity that almost anyone reading should be able to relate to. I will refer to her as X and refrain from mentioning any personal background information that could be used to reveal her identity.

The concept: Instead of me simply describing a past Qadishtu experience, I felt it would be of even more interest to post an ongoing series of thoughts that document an actual in-progress Provider/Client relationship from both perspectives. Of course there is a great risk involved with this approach ... neither of us know how our carefully negotiated relationship will turn out yet. So far we have established primary goals and my Temple HPS/wife Amanda has been involved with the introductory process. In fact, Amanda was instrumential in facilitating the initial connection while I was away from home this summer, and will be a key support member as X and I explore that uncharted place of Monsters and Magick called Terra Incognita.

Postscript 2/2/09:

This series of posts have been deleted and/or altered at the request of our Client who felt exposed (even though completely anonymous) by having such personal information on the internet. I think her shared thoughts were very valuable contributions to the Qadishtu Experience blog and thank her for allowing them to educate others during the time they were available to be read. I feel Client privacy concerns are always paramount in any Qadishti relationship and must be honored above everything else.

David