Life, death and love

A Terra Incognita member died recently of cancer. He was in his early 50's and well known in the extended Pagan community. I met Cy at Light of the Moon, a monthly Chicago Pagan gathering where David and I helped our local crone Cailleach co-host for many years. We found this event a great way to satisfy social obligations and invite people to meet us for the first time. Characteristically Cy wore a black Paladin-like cowboy hat and was accompanied by his red-headed magickal partner, Heather. Though my influence impacted more directly on her husband Woody, I believe my story is more about how this Qadishtu experience primarily affected Heather and both her loves.

Heather was her Magickal name. Apparently she chose that name because it reflected the person her psyche pictured as the little girl who stood on a knoll of her childhood farm. She and Woody had been married for years when her uncle left her a quarter of the ancestral farmland. The family decided to sell the property to developers so the farm as she remembers it no longer exists. The name Heather, she explains, gives that farm permanence in her life and thus gave her the stamina to let it go when she answered an advertisement and joined an active Pagan group in nearby Evanston. Coincidentally, Cy, an experienced pagan living across the city in Hyde Park, read the same ad and drove 20 miles to attend the coven’s first initiatory meeting. They immediately became close partners in an earth-based spiritualism which finally gave her a language that responded to the land she so deeply cherished.

Heather and Cy became dedicated to the coven and began going everywhere together, whether it was weekend retreats in other states or attending local Pagan events. Their mutual affection grew while they remained married to other partners. Heather and Woody had no children, but Cy and his wife adopted two girls. Unfortunately, as her spiritualism took on the face of her land, the coven became the euphoric spiritual path she shared with Cy that balanced the weighty every-day familial responsibilities she had with Woody. Needless to say, Woody was not happy.

I entered Heather's poly family through sexual energy work with her and Cy. I soon discovered that her husband Woody basically felt abandoned and lost without the loving partner that he thought he had married. My sexual relationship with Heather and Cy faded, though, as I became more invested in a Qadishtu healing dynamic with Woody. He was not spiritually or magickally inclined at the time, but even that changed as I introduced him to the Chicago Tantric community when Terra Incognita hosted a workshop led by Janet and Sasha Lessin from Hawaii in 2005.

Woody's primary complaint was that he didn’t have access to a world that could understand nor accept people having relationships outside of their marriage. Through this workshop Woody became more aware of how he could enjoy polyamorous experiences as meaningful physical exchanges with like minded folks that didn’t include wife swapping or cheating. There were families, like his, that were “poly” and incorporated spiritual, meaningful exchanges in their familial multi-partnered relationships.

Woody took my sexual exchanges with him very seriously and it was through this heart connection that he began walking into unfamiliar situations, unbelieving at first and then progressively with more confidence. He is now open to date and develop relationships without being hampered by traditional ideas of monogamy and fidelity. Woody loves his wife very much and although Heather's relationship with Cy was difficult for him in the beginning, it was through this love for her and his desire to maintain their marriage that he found room to include Cy in his family.

As Qadishtu, I gave my body to all three ... twice to Heather and Cy, twice to Heather and Woody ... loving exchanges which facilitated bringing them all closer. Poly is hard to implement in a non-poly situation so it took me a few couseling sessions to work out the pain and animosity Woody initially felt toward Cy and Heather.

On the morning Cy died, he sat up in bed and clearly called for Woody twice. Heather got her husband on the phone while he was at work and Cy's faint voice brought him to tears. Cy didn’t ask for anyone else. A successful Qadishtu experience is not just about sex, though the connection sex offers is important. It's about the relating, bonding and support our efforts give and how it supports the love everyone feels in the end.

Qadishtu youth education

One important job of most Qadishti practicioners is education.

Many of us give presentations, workshops, write articles or books and mentor others. Some of us have students, apprentices and trainees. Most of us also have children or young adults that we are responsible for.

I think preparing young people to handle sexuality and relationships is part of our job. It's also a hot topical concern that's frequently tossed into the Lake of Oblivion to cool off and disappear. Our schools can teach the mechanics and biology of sexuality, enlightened parents can be open and unembarrassed with their hormonally confused children, but something they need is still missing.

Maybe a safe, facilitated place to explore their questions and feelings with peers. A place to learn about the responsibilities of sex and relationships, how energy exchanges work and most importantly a sanctuary that protects them from judgement. They need to know that we ALL feel weird and different from artifical, societally imposed norms.

Years ago Terra Incognita had a skilled Priestess in her mid 20's (now in her 30's and pregnant with her first child) who wanted to help us form a family-oriented outreach group called Caer Aelwydd. We had a lovely series of classes that were multi-generational and did PG-rated ritual together. However, Amanda and I felt our teenage children needed their own program. We suggested this to Dr. Elsbeth Meuth and Freddy Zental Weaver of the TantraNova Institute and they percolated the idea carefully. It's risky creating a workshop for teens (14 to 18) about relationships, intimacy and energetic exchanges that will fully engage them, yet not get anyone upset or arrested.

In the Spring we sent out son Robert and some of his high school friends to participate in a focus group at TantraNova and now we are finally looking forward to their inaugural Summer Youth Program. Based on the responses we got from the focus group, the five week program on Sunday evenings from 7/19 to 8/16 should be very meaningful and interesting. We felt that Elsbeth and Freddy Zental were the ideal choices to do this type of Qadishtu work with our son and his teenage friends, since they are trained professionals and don't have the problem of being Mom and Dad.

David

Star power

A few weeks back, we set up our Scarlet Sanctuary at an event and opened the door. The idea of the Scarlet Sanctuary, the way we do it, is simple - we provide loving, compassionate, non threatening sensual touch to anyone that wants to experience it. Everyone, regardless of race or age or size or style, is greeted with Qadishti Eyes of acceptance and that Heinlein sense of "Thou Art God/dess". They are brought inside and intimately led to receive.

(Receiving, we discovered, is very hard for some people. For lots of people. Just to lay there and allow yourself to just be, just receive erotic touch, and not feel like you are supposed to do anything).

As it happened, "Everyone, regardless of..." was tested for me personally at this event, as I found myself working on a 'Star'. Now, I do not mean TV Star or a Hollywood Star (although she may be in movies). But in this case, she is a star of the erotic circles. Would you have heard of her? Well, if you run in my circles, then yes, but the fact that I knew who she was, and she was one of the first people I ever saw lecture, was threatening to throw me off balance. Both my own sense of awe at working with her and my own ego (look who I am working on) were observed as possibly causing this to be less than sacred.

Until we got started. Once we got started, it was no longer about her as The Star, nor was it about Me the Qadesh Working with the Star, it was just two people. It just a receiver and a giver. She simply was another human, another person, full of sensual love. I was just a giver, allowing my ego to sleep while I ministered to another of the beutiful beings that inhabit the world.

Beyond that, her response and mine, become a matter like many other sessions, but one too private feeling to post here.

The important thing I took away from this experience is not that everyone is just another person. But instead, something that I was told at the very first sacred sexuality event I ever went to was brought to mind - "Everyone is a star"

Referrals

Seekers find their way to Qadishti practicioners in a variety of ways, but referrals are one of the best. We've had several Priestesses who respond to Craigslist ads or place their own carefully worded descriptions of the Qadishtu dynamic they provide, however the potential Clients who are sent to us by people we know are usually safer and better candidates for our work.

The Temple of Terra Incognita developed a Patron system predominately based on our older, wealthier Clients referring their friends, which was designed to support all the pro bono and barter work we do. We've also had quite a few Seekers passed on to us from the BDSM, Sacred Sexuality, Poly and Pagan communities.

Oddly enough, this post is going to be about a referral that didn't work. It occurred this week and illustrates the importance of being ready to heal and being able to celebrate one's sexuality fully.

About five years ago a woman named "Willow" who was in her early 20's approached us after a Pagan social gathering and shared her life story looking for help. She was referred by mutual friends and began visiting our home for Terra Incognita events. Willow found Paganism liberating and had grown up in a very repressed household of Christian fundamentalists that had put the fear of God's anti-sex wrath into her mind. Even after she grew up and became convinced that sex and intercourse were divinely pleasurable acts, parentally programmed fear of male penetration and pregnancy stopped her from exploring intimacy with boyfriends or having an orgasm.

Over the years Amanda and I have encountered a number of supplicants like Willow who wanted to defeat similar fears. Her case was so severe that we decided to have my wife do the actual sexual catharsis, instead of me. I would be present as a trusted male anchor, but only to hold space and support the process. After much dialogue and co-creating a plan, Willow decided she wanted Amanda to use a cyberskin dildo and to be bound to our Temple bed using strong chains. The first time this was attempted didn't go well, so we stopped immediately, released her and calmly dialogued about her feelings. The second try occurred at a Temple party at Willow's urgent behest. She insisted she was ready and the exhibitionism aspect excited her so much that we proceeded with the same scenario in front of a small crowd that had been specially prepped to support Willow's Rite of Passage. It was loud, scary and her fierce struggle bent several eyehooks on the bed, but Amanda skillfully performed oral sex and used our sensually soft dildo until the young woman exploded with ecstasy.

It was a huge breakthrough for Willow that enabled her to be sexual with other women and eventually men. She's been having great sex with her current boyfriend for over a year and recently acquired a 20-ish female friend (Acacia) who seemed to be in the same position Willow was back in 2004. Of course, she referred Acacia to us and this time the story was different. Although Willow had prepared Acacia for a phone call from Amanda, the young lady became terrified and said: "I don't want to talk to that woman, she can't help me!"

Acacia is correct. Even a glowing referral can't always overcome lifelong barriers ... you have to be ~ready~ to do the work. The most important (and most difficult) step of the Qadishtu journey is sometimes the first one.

David

Ivory Tower Mysticism

David is sweet ... he scheduled me to write on Mother's Day thinking I'd do something topical like how Karuna stems from maternal compassion, or some such thing. He should have known better. I'm a single focus woman, and right now my interests are limited to slowly climbing academia's ivory towers.

I’ll finally be done with the first leg of my Phd quest after I complete my thesis in June. Three years ago, we sacrificed decent income as a legal secretary, so I could return to college to finish my undergrad. It seemed silly since I was over 50 and I hadn’t been in school for three decades, but to me this was unfinished business that could give my Qadishtu Temple work important credibility.

I started in an adult program at DePaul with the quaint concept of being a theologian or ethicist. Theologians are the Christian way to define spokespeople for a religion. I'm Pagan, so this idea quickly morphed after I started taking classes in DePaul's Religious Studies Department and I ended up leaving the adult education ad hoc program.

DePaul's Religious Studies Department put me under the advisement of Dr. Kay Read whose special area of expertise was Meso-America and Native American studies. It was through her guidance I got over my self consciousness about being a mystic. In fact, I learned that William James wrote a book a century ago about secular mystics, those of us that had ecstatic transcendent experiences outside the structures of a church. James said we belonged to “Natural Religion.”

My thesis is on Interconnectedness and its impact on secular affairs. What I’m doing is showing legitimate connections between the transcendent and the mundane – and how it’s not supernatural, but everything is sacred and should be treated as such. The point is to stop the idea of disenchantment and allow mystical traditions to help heal mental health issues through a community-based method. Native Americans are already using community-based traditional spiritual practices to help soldiers coming back from Afghanistan and Iraq to get over Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. If we can create a link between spirituality and a practical problem solving, this should generate actual secular and scientific validity.

What does that accomplish? Oh my god! Can you imagine? Being able to do active Qadishtu work without some institution coming in and arresting you for prostitution? Or how about doing studies on adolescent sexuality that will heal the society, not cripple it. I mean how far can we go on Just Say No To Sex? How is my education benefitting me as a Qadishtu? With a solid body of academic work behind me, my efforts as a Qadishtu Priestess should pack a bigger wallop. To my mind, a legitimized Priesthood has the greatest chance to help heal and serve our wounded world.

Amanda

Kitty Qadishtu

I saw her sitting off to the side, watching the various scenes going on in the dungeon at Frolicon. She was in her wheelchair, but sitting alone. I was playing a cat persona, and while my Master had me on a leash, he was allowing me to explore. When I saw her, I had an overwhelming urge to go and love on her as a cat. I padded up to her on all fours, looked up at her face and meowed softly. A slow smile suffused her face and she reached for me. I took her up on her invitation and moved in to strop her legs, which ended just above her knees. She cuddled me and stroked my hair, while I lavished kitty-love on her. I was particularly drawn to rub lovingly against the part of her that I sensed others tend to avoid. After several minutes, I moved away, but I looked back to see her smiling widely, and I could feel that her energy had shifted. She was back to looking on at the others’ scenes, but now it felt less like she was a curious outsider, and more like a cherished part of the play. She was the only one who fully welcomed and attuned to my cat persona without having to take a moment to realize that’s what I was.

Why people seek Qadishti

Over the years the Temple of Terra Incognita (TI) has been approached by all sorts of people. The healthy, wealthly, middle class, poor, male, female, gender fluid, kinky, poly, swinging, celibate, skilled, neophytic, spiritually exploring and broken/disconnected.

Most seekers can't articulate what they are looking for or why they are interested in our services. They often are attracted simply because we are not about any one thing. Results-oriented Chaos Magick and Flow is very important to TI. Being open to whatever happens.

My wife Amanda wrote a post here on 10/3/08 about a married couple (Vi and Leo) we took to a local BDSM playspace. While she and Vi interacted with a submissive stranger, Leo watched from the sidelines, wishing he was the one tied down and being done. Yet something was stopping him. We explored this a month later in the privacy of Elmslie Manor's Temple space.

This couple had come to us wanting to expand their sexual horizon's and their married relationship. Yet there is almost always a hidden agenda. Fortunately, in this case it wasn't marital boredom, infidelity or lies. Vi was already sexually expansive ... Leo however was consumed by fear. We negotiated a BDSM-ish session on the Temple altar were Leo would be done by Amanda and Vi with my creative input.

Everything emotionally imploded with the blindfold and bondage scenario I concocted. Leo confessed that he had been anally gang raped as a teen and his desire for a submissive scene involving a power exchange was being thwarted by the painful memories. I knew he needed to feel safe, loved and realize he had control. We took off the blindfold and restraints and told Leo to relax. This is your fantasy, what do you want?

He told us his fantasy and we did it very carefully, always checking in to see how Leo felt. It wasn't long before blindfolds and bondage were no big deal for him and Vi was able to enjoy her husband without Qadishtu help.

David

Come to Mama

My friend Sam’s girlfriend had recently broken up with him, and he was really struggling with letting go. I suggested that some of the work I did might be helpful for him, and he quickly agreed. We set up a time to meet.

He came over, and we talked a bit. He told me how much he still loved her, and how painful it was to try to slip into a platonic friendship from the romantic love they had shared. Things were worse because they still shared the same circle of friends and he saw her frequently. He had been trying to get past it, but just wasn’t having much luck.

I listened, and then explained that I was going to embody Tara, the goddess of wisdom and compassion, while I held him. We sat down on the bed. I lay back, closed my eyes, calmed my mind and invited Her to come into me. When I felt Her energy vibrating through my body, I invited Sam to lie down next to me. He lay on his side and put his head on my breast. I enclosed my arms around him, and held him, rocking slightly. Tara’s warm, smiling energy immediately responded to his sadness, and I felt Her presence more strongly.

Sam began to sob, and cried out the name of his ex-girlfriend. I held him, stroked his hair, and rocked him back and forth. Occasionally I would tell him that it was going to be all right, but mostly I just held him as any mother would hold a child who had been hurt.

Eventually we pulled apart, and Sam got up to blow his nose and splash a little water on his face. When he returned, he looked worn out. I sent him home to get some rest, as he hadn’t been sleeping well.

The next day, he called me to thank me, and said he slept well, and felt lighter and more at peace with the situation. I told him I was glad to be of service, only it wasn’t me, but rather Tara, who had held him in Her arms, and that his gratitude should be directed toward Her.

Pivot Point

Editor's note: Love (and heartbreak) is often our business as Qadishti. Our newest Qadishtu Experience contributor ~Geshti-Eresh~ has decided to post a first person narrative on how the Q-mindset has shaped her approach when counseling friends as well as clients.

David

“I’m overwhelmed by this whole situation,” my friend managed to whisper at me with a mouth half full of egg and bacon omelet, “I don’t understand it. HE started this. HE approached me. HE sped through the go sign and didn’t look back…HE…”

I calmly waved a hand at my friend to keep him from raising his voice too much, people were beginning to look, and with each punched ‘HE’, my face was beginning resemble a half eaten omelet. I picked up my napkin and collectively dabbed my face of the egg bits and coaxed the back of his clenched hand. “Murphy,” I finally broke after listening to his 50 minute looped tirade, “Maybe this guy…”

I choked, and remembered my own experiences from what then seemed to be insufferable men, and how I made myself, every time, out to be the victim. And how I subjected my priestess and priest to the very same dementia Murphy was now parading. I gasped at how uncanny the situation was to mine, he crying and I listening very intently, keeping quiet and steady like a lioness as she watches her hunt. It took every breath in my body to keep from pouncing, ‘SHUTUP!,’ I wanted to roar, ‘...Eat your omelet, Murphy Lohr, and get over it. You are better than him, and you are better than this…now lets eat some cinnamon toast for god’s sake!,’ But I kept cool. Terra Incognita had done that for me, taught me the art of listening with love.

I began again by choosing my words carefully, this time, letting the power of the goddess flow through me. “Let this man be, Murphy. You two shared a wonderful experience. Unfortunately, that experience turned into something you didn’t want. Now’s the time to let it go and move forward. Something else, I’m sure, is waiting for you.”

Murphy perked up, confused. He inhaled the last bits of his food and gulped down what seemed to be gallons of water. A substantial period of silence passed. He wasn’t used to hearing that, it was too alien…too…neutral. But I wanted Murphy to know that he had been mistreated, and that his reaction was justified. ‘It’s one thing to be a passive listener, and then another to be empathetic.,’ I silently reasoned. I caught his reflective gaze and added, “This man did violate you because he wasn’t being fully honest with his intentions, but it is crucial that you don’t make yourself out to be the victim. Don’t let this experience hinder you from finding love. See it as an opportunity, a pivot point to something greater in your life.”

I saw my words flowing through his thoughts, like a soft ripple. It quickly shattered to desperation and his expression hardened, becoming rigid and stiff. I knew from the second he turned from self-reflection to a fort-like defense because I am the queen of defenses, but through tactical conscious effort, the help of my Temple, and dabbling in the realm of Qadishtu, I have learned to become a gracious observer of myself and others, and when asked to, create a space for healing and mentoring…well, sort of. I am still in the processes of being mentored, but as a student I have found that I learn more by assuming the role of teacher.

In his current drama, Murphy was used to hearing curses from his friends, “Fuck him!,” or, “What an asshole!,” to, “Don’t worry, he’ll call you!...Don’t worry, he pines for you! Don’t worry…don’t…don’t do… What a Whore! What a Slut! Dick!” However, I fed him something different, something that he couldn’t seem to swallow easily at first. It was Qadishtu. And through careful, honest intent, I succumbed to Qadishtu and gave Murphy the vehicle to something more freeing and nurturing. I wanted him to access his divine self…

He took in one more forceful gulp of his water. “You know,” he stammered, “the thought of letting him go…just fucking go, is so….I don’t know… it makes sense.”
I concurred, “And you are no longer stuck in all the drama of being pissed at him.”
“Yeah…”
“Which consumes all your energy and turns you into something unpleasant...”
“Yeah…a monster.”
“And there’s no chance of accessing or finding love when you are like that.”
“Yeah!,” Murphy reassured himself, “He did what he did, and I have no control over that.”
“Right,” I reinforced.
“It had nothing to do with me. It wasn’t personal. It wasn’t my fault.”
“Exactly.”
“Huh.”
“Uh-huh. And now, you are free to just be and love.”
He paused, then blinked. “Why is that so hard to come by? Why can’t everyone just realize that’s how simple these things are? Just coming back to that?”

I asked that question my whole life, but surprisingly, through this conversation I had been jolted with an inspired thought, “Because its supposed to be this way,” I looked at him, eager to share my thoughts, “Its supposed to be a process. We learn a lot about ourselves and others when we do that.”

“You mean, self-inflection. Like, I shouldn’t hate this guy, or blame myself for what happened. It happened, and that’s it… Next!” he playfully snapped his fingers then chuckled.
“Yeah…and for me, and I think you too, it’s the challenge of learning to accept things for what they are, even if they aren’t what we want them to be.”

We sat there and smiled at each other. ‘What an idiot I can be,’ I read in his expression. Good. He went from inconsolable to self-deprecating and high-spirited; I felt resolved and pleased.

I sighed, cradled my head in my hands and eventually let them tangle through my hair, “Its okay, we are all challenged. That’s why revelations like these are so necessary.”

Geshti-eresh

Personalizing objects

One of the most psychologically interesting interactions I've ever had was with a man who broke into my garden apartment when I was in my early 20s to rape me.

My daughters were very young (6 months and 2-1/2 years) and I was a single parent sleeping on the couch in my living room, while the girls shared the bedroom space. I felt someone touching my breast and instantly woke up. When I looked up, a shadowy form was jacking off next to me. When the man noticed I was conscious, he threw a sheet over my head and climbed on top of me, saying he would hurt my children if I didn't cooperate.

The rapist said he didn't want to harm anyone, he just wanted to get his rocks off. Carefully touching my errogenous zones this man never hurt me. At some point I asked him if he was married. He said no. The apartment was quiet while he was busy trying to get himself hard and then the rapist muttered something about me being so young. I responded that I wasn't as young as he might think and asked him why he was doing this. He quickly responded with a "shhhhh."

His touch was gentle and when it came to actually doing anything, he always asked my permission first, such as when he attempted to finger my ass. As he was probing I whispered, "that's going to hurt" and the rapist replied: "OK, I won't." Finally the man started exploring my vagina and asked if he could fuck me. "If you're asking, then no," I said and again he replied: "Ok, I won't." After that he masturbated for release and shot his load on my rug. As the rapist was leaving I said, "Hey, can you do me a favor? ... Please, close the window on the way out."

He did.

Amanda

Qadishtu By Any Other Name

Earth Priestess
The moon was high upon the hill. Luscious in Her fullness. I felt ripe with her. My breasts swollen. I ran through the darkened trees. Howling. Feeling my blood pulse in the rhythms of Her sea. I returned to the Wooden Yurt hidden in the woods, lit the wood stove, and lay me down to stoke other fires. My passion. My vision.

I caressed my body slowly, lingeringly from head to toe. Thank you I said softly. Thank you for being my body, for caring my soul. Thank you for holding my beauty and desire. In waves, arousal built and as it did I called and breathed the energy up from my throbbing vulva through my belly up to my heart, my 3rd eye and cascading out of the fontinelle, the crown. I sent the radiant light of Eros out to all beings.

Invoking love, light, and the healing integration of heart, body, mind, spirit and Eros (again). Can you feel it?

Sex Counselor
I closed the door to the room paneled in dark wood. We had added a move-able fireplace, candles, artwork, couches, chocolate and water. I lit the candles. Brought out a bit of sage and smudged the room. Praying that I might be guided to bring healing to this couple who had lost the spark of desire between them.

Throughout the 2 hour session, I would breathe the energy down to the earth. The mother/father planet that carries us all. Throughout the session I would pray - help. From deep in my belly would arise wisdom, as a fish coming to the surface from a deep lake. I would invite them to look softly into one another's eyes, or breathe together, or hear compassionately, or encourage them to touch softly.

I saw the light return to their eyes. I saw the hope rise in their hearts. At one point they jokingly asked if we could leave the room. Divine Eros was present.

Sexual Healer
He had a lover from 4 to 8 years old. A best guy friend turned comrade in sensual exploration as well as sports. It was fun, innocent, and filled with pleasure. One day, out of no where it seemed, his friend came over to say "I don't want to be your friend anymore. Your penis is ugly."

He became my beloved when he was 48. For 40 years he had been driven by sex, tried it all, and cheated on every relationship. The first time we made love, I felt his lush soulful energy missing from his phallus. When I asked why, he told me the tale above.

Over the next 8 months, I would give him 2 hour sessions in our bed. I would clear my mind, open my heart, pray, invoke the Divine Feminine in me and invite the Divine Masculine in him. Most of this without words. Pure presence. Deep compassion. Full love.

I would put one hand on his heart chakra (in the center of the chest) and one hand gently cupping his wand of life (his phallus). I would envision the energy moving between them. I would gently caress and massage him from head to toe with my hands, my breasts, my lips, and all of me. Blessing. Blessing. Blessing. Blessing.

Over the months he began to dream. At first of a leper family. I offered it might be his disenfranchised inner Little Boy and Inner Nurturers. Later he would wake shouting "Do you hear them? The people in the shadows outside the house?" Still later outside the room.

I offered they might be his Inner Family coming closer.

One day, while making love, I invoked my Little Girl and asked "do you have a Little Boy?" He closed his eyes. Checked inside . . . and said yes. Then that part of me asked "Can he come out and play?" He closed his eyes. Checked inside. When he opened his eyes innocence was there looking out at me.

We began to rock. Bounce. Laugh. Nuzzle. All while our genitals were connected. Ahhh. Such joy.

I learned that day, that it is the Little One's inside us that carry our deepest pain and purest potential. It is in the bringing home and healing of the Natural Self, the Eros Self in innocence that full love can finally arise.

Qadishtu by any other name?

When I presence the Divine All That Is, when I invite myself to be guided by something beyond what I think I know, when I flow with spirit on behalf of the healing of the Erotic Nature, I am Qadishtu.

Scarlet Sanctuary and the abdl

I have many stories from the evening at Winter Wickedness and our time in the Scarlet Sanctuary, but the one that stands out for me is my session with the 'adult baby diaper lover'. I knew this was going to happen, as they had emailed me before hand to see if I'd be able to do it.

When I first received the email, my first reaction was that I wouldn't be able to do it. With my triggers, it was asking for trouble. Dan said he'd take care of writing them back to gently let them know that I wouldn't be able to do such a session. But, we both sat there and thought about it and I told him that it felt like I was supposed to do this. He said he had the same feeling. So, I looked within myself and decided to give it a try. I've been through a lot of work and healing over the last years and this would be a way that I could help someone else.

We talked more with the couple over the following weeks and I told them what my triggers were. But, that since he was a male, I was going to give it a try. They were very appreciative.

Saturday night rolls around and it's time for the session of sacred touch. I went to the altar and called on my Priestess side and then went out to greet them.

We put 2 tables together so that we could work on both members of the couple at the same time. Feeling the energy of the abdl, I could see that he needed to have her close by. He was in child mode. He called me 'Miss Dawn', like an obedient child and I proceeded to undress him. He helped out in the manner that a child would. We set his teddy bear off to the side in a safe place and I proceeded to walk him to the table. I had someone else helping me at the time with the girl, undressing her and such, so that I wouldn't have to leave the guy alone while dealing with the gal. He was in such a space that it wouldn't have been good for me to leave him alone during any point of this. He was very vulnerable and I considered him very brave to be doing this at all. That is what kept going through my head...how brave he was. Though it was a kinky event that we were at, abdl's still get looked at funny. But, there really isnt' any other place for them to go and let that side of themselves out.

Well, I got him on the table after he whispered to me asking if I was going to be ok with him wearing a diaper. Oddly enough, I was perfectly fine with it. I thought it would be a shame for him to have to take it off just to make me feel better. My heart was telling me that he needed to be embraced completely while in this mode. He needed to be accepted and loved. It was no different than the trans persons that had come in through the night. It was someone that needed loving touch, while in their alternate persona. And that's what I gave him. I opened my heart and gave him love. His energy was so warm and gentle. Hers was caring and loving for him.

After about 20 - 25 minutes, me and my helper were both finished. We helped the couple up and helped them get re-dressed. Both of them had huge smiles on their faces.

When done with the session, I went to the statue and gave it all the icky stuff that I had pulled from his belly. More energy to be used later.

I thanked the Goddess for allowing me to experience such a moment.

They told me later that it had been more than what they had imagined. All through the night if they saw me taking a break out in the hall, they would stop me and say how much they had appreciated the experience.

No triggers for me. I was actually able to channel pretty well and got some messages from the Goddess. I'm still processing those.

It was a beautiful, loving experience.

--- dawn

Qadishtu Lovin' on Freya's Day

Friday the 13th of February, 2009 – This is Freya’s sacred day of love and sexuality. I think it’s so magical that we have a Friday the 13th just before Valentine’s Day this year. On this sacred day, I celebrate my relationship with a Qadishtu ritual. Sometimes, Qadishti need some Qadishtu lovin’, too, and so I will be Qadishtu for my beloved, my Qadishtu partner and mentor, as he will be for me.

I am his Priestess. I welcome him into my sacred chamber and smudge him with the pungent, sensuous smoke of Sandalwood incense. I waft the smoke around his head, down the front of his body, across his arms, and then up the back of his body. As I finish, he turns back around and takes the incense from me, and smudges me in the same way. He is my Priest. The smoke purifies the space, cleanses our auras, and carries our prayers to the Divine.

I serve him tea from a clear teapot in which we can watch the blossoming of a flower tea ball, blessing us with its beauty and scent. We sip quietly, savoring the taste and warmth of the tea, and gaze into one another’s eyes, allowing our energies to gradually entwine and our bodily rhythms to match. We appreciate each other and convey our love to one another through this eye-gazing exercise.

As if on cue, we both set down our cups and stand. Still maintaining intimate eye contact, we slowly strip for one another, gradually revealing ourselves to the other, on multiple levels simultaneously. Our clothes fall to the ground in a roughly circular pattern, of their own accord creating our sacred circle. We then call the quarters:

I am his Goddess.

“With my breath,” I start, stepping into the circle of his arms and putting my mouth to his. I continue, “I bring you Air.” We begin the circular Breath of Fire, slowly increasing our speed, until our bodies begin to hum.

He is my God.

“With my passion,” he says, stepping in closer and gripping my hair at the base of my neck in just the way he knows that I like. “I bring you Fire,” he continues, and then plunges his tongue into my mouth, and I revel in the feel of our tongues dancing.

We are the Sacred Pair.

“With my juices,” I purr, staring deep into his eyes. I reach between my legs and coat my fingers, and finish: “I bring you Water.” I bring my moistened fingers up to his mouth and gently trace his lips. His tongue darts out to lap at my fingertips.

We are Divine.

“With my wood,” he growls, reaching down and gripping his fully erect lingam. He backs me into the edge of the bed, until I sit and then lay back, lifting and separating my legs in invitation. “I bring you Earth!” And I cry out as he enters me to the hilt in one smooth motion.

We are One.

We dance the intimate, sacred dance of the Goddess, reveling in the feel of each other’s skin, delighting in the sounds of joy and pleasure escaping each other’s throats, and pouring all of our love into this moment, wringing all the pleasure we possibly can from this sacred Gift. At the peak of my orgasm, I send a silent prayer to Freya, thanking her for bringing this man into my life, who has healed me, mentored me, partnered with me, loved me. It is through his love that I have blossomed into the Qadishtu priestess that I am, and I dedicate this to him.

Happy Valentine’s Day / Freya’s Day / Lovers’ Day. Happy Relationships Day – regardless of your partner status – this is a holiday to celebrate ALL your intimate relationships – including with yourself and with the Divine. May all the Goddess’ gifts of joy and pleasure and bliss be yours in abundance.

Lovingly,
Inara

50 people

Over this past weekend, a group of us ran a Scarlet Sanctuary at an event in Ohio. During the 6 hour period we ran, we administered sacred touch to 50 people.

To say we were tired after it was over is an understatement.

It was really something to see so many people come through, with such interest, and need.

One person wept while another had an energetic orgasm. And we, as facilitators, did not 'cause' either of this reactions, but instead simply...assisted people to become vulnerable to sexuality, to intimacy, to whatever it is they needed to be.

I recall having one woman I was working on go from nervous, to relaxed, to meditative, and then to energized and erotically awake. It was an amazing transformation for her, and for me, to be part of that journey.

Welcome to a New Beginning!

I am a Lady, an African American, a Witch, A Qadishtu Priestess and I am proud to be an American. My faith in this great country was restored when millions of Americans voted for our President-Elect. He represents new hope, new light, new experiences, and a new beginning. I truly feel that a breath of fresh air radiated down upon us all on January 20, 2009. Shortly after the November Election, I booked my airline tickets. I didn't know what I was going to do and I already had a place to stay so I was set to experience this Historic event up close and personal.

I started to read about the inaugural events and made up my mind to try to see and take pictures of everything that I could. The excitement of the occasion began to color my every word and step. I have always exhibited my pride, my confidence and my love for the craft/path. Now I will get the chance to show each of these attributes amongst others who would understand. I was told that I was invited to a selection of events and immediately became emotional and excited beyond words. Oh and then my father said a phrase that would set my mood above the moon... Get that Ball Gown ready! Oh joy!!!

The days leading up to my trip I would tell a few people about me leaving and they would look at me with such awe and admitted jealously. I loved that fact that so many people wanted to be there and wished me well. I contemplated the huge significance of those who wanted to be there and those who would actually come. It was estimated over a million would attend the events. Wow, they didn't know the half of it.

I flew up to D.C on Friday. There were a few folks on the plan who were there for the inauguration as well. I am also one who never meets a stranger so of course I talked to a few folks on the plane and they were just excited as I was. When I arrived, I hugged my father and all the way to the house we talked about the significance of our incoming President. He was a child of the 60s and was in Memphis the day that a King was shot. He was inspired to have such a strong man running for Presidency that he for the first time during the election worked the polls and volunteer alot of his time to see his candidate win.

I must also tell you that I am an eclectic soul. I can feel at ease anywhere I go. I attend church services of many different faiths upon occasion. I always visit my father's church because it is steeped in Southern black tradition with a very modern edge of plain speak. The church was established by Freed Slaves back in the early 1800's. I have always been impressed with their energy and on this Sunday the annual tribute to MLK commenced. I was filled with hope and tears watching as the comparisons between the President who freed the slaves, MLK and our President was struck. I watched the youth act out and describe what my forefathers had to endure to be recognized as citizens and to be able to vote. I heard the words of MLK and our future President side by side stirring my emotions. I sang the Negro National Anthem with pride and thought about the many folks who attended the free concert on the Mall in front of the President L. On this day, I recommitted to volunteer and select ways of volunteering that honored my path as well as gave back to my local community. On Monday, I had an opportunity to go to a cleansing/blessing ritual which was held by three local spiritual progressives. They cleanse and charged a crystal that resembled Washington Monument and drummed to send any negativity away from D.C. and bring a healthy spiritual energy to welcome the new President. I didn't get the chance to view this but I felt the energy. I worked and volunteered at three agencies and then went to the Metro to pick up my ticket. I found out the next day that it was a very smart thing to do!!!

I got up early and got ready. We went down to the Metro station and it was packed with people. As we drove up people were walking from miles around to get to ride the Metro. We had a friend drop us off and we walked up past a few folks to ask the officer where do we go. He told us to go right here. He point to the line and we did just that. We walked up admittedly in front of a bunch of people and no one said a word. We got on the metro rail and the journey began. No one fussed about us being able to walk right almost the head of the line and everyone was actually cheering and excited to get on the train. Once on the train we had to stand up for one hour and 30 minutes. From where we picked up the rail, it would have normally taken less than 20 mins. There was alot of announcements about street closures and everyone knew that the Smithsonian exit would be closed but they kept saying it. It was due to security. Some folks got a bit frustrated and got off to walk blocks to the inauguration. Some on my train had tickets to the infamous Purple and Blue Gates. I didn't have a ticket. I was planning on getting downtown and watching it on the big jumbotron somewhere. Everyone was in such good spirits. Folks were chanting Fired up! and his name. Everyone one was smiling and of course the only disappointment I saw was when we would come up to a stop and there was no room to get on our "car". That made me feel a bit bad but happy that I wasn't on the outside. Yes it was cold out there but it was a hot box with all of those folks crowded on the seats, down the aisle and near the doors. We finally made it to the Metro Court stop and got off toward Pennsylvania Ave.

There were so many folks on the street and vending and profiting off such a historic moment. I stopped to buy a few trinkets and kept going forward to the hotel. Every one's face was full of promise, tears and just excitement. Everywhere I went, you can tell this was a special time for everyone in the world. I met people from different countries and those who travelled all across the U.S. to be here just like me. Once at the hotel, we had to get checked off the list and receive our armbands that would let us into the events for the rest of the day. We decided to go to the room because the moment was almost about to happen. We watch the actual moment on TV.

As a former political scientist and constitutional law lover, I was extremely disappointed in the chief justice mistake. He must remember to use a crib sheet from this point on!! My dad laughed at me later because he said you were right that it was the chief justice who got it wrong. I also told him that no matter what the 20th amendment says that he is President at 12noon. I immensely impressed by the co-founder of the SLC who gave the benediction. It was great to remember the Negro National Anthem and to have someone make us laugh! He was the best!

After the official swearing in, we went to lunch in the viewing room of the hotel. It was an amazing view full of people that I knew, some celebrities, news media and the such. The food was delicious with open bar (nice!). At one point, I believe when the bush left everyone started taking pictures of his helicopter. Funny note: I got a joke in a text that said don't forget to shave your bush on January 20th because it's the end of the bush era. lol.
Anyway, everyone wave to say goodbye and some of the phrases were not so nice. I heard the some boo'd the soon to be former President when he walked out during the Inauguration. Sigh...well that mood didn't last long before the cheering, laughter and the celebration resumed.

We got ready to put our coats back on to go down and watch the parade. I heard that it was being delayed and everyone knows that reason now. We got to see the new president walk down the street with his wife. What a strong confident couple. I was again brought to tears at the significance of the moment. I was proud that he was our President even regardless of race or creed. Here was someone who grew up with a Bohemian mother, grandparents and a Nigerian father. He is America and resembles us all. Many have said not to treat him as a Messiah and I am glad. He is not a Messiah but he is one who has motivated many to change our History.

I celebrated with over 1,000 folks at the ball that night. No it wasn't one of the chosen balls attending by the President. Nonetheless, I had immeasurable fun dancing, glamming it up and basking in a new promise for our country! I never thought I would experience such a historic event as this. I am very grateful and hope that this feeling last for a very long time. We danced until the music stopped playing and went up to bed. I woke up to read every news paper I could get my hands on and relived every moment of the day and night like most of you did: replays on TV!! I left a few days afterward. I saw many people of all walks of life with Presidential paraphernalia on. I saw pride and excitement on every one's face. I saw many people talking and communicating like never before. What a good time to be alive! What a great time to experience something new and refreshing. What a time to be happy about our future even though it will take hard work for everyone, we believe it could happen now.

Final Note: A young America elects first African American president. A nation that moves forward while looking back at our struggles was a theme for so many after the election through to the inauguration. There are so many names mentioned in that struggle for equality as each of us struggle for religious equality and acceptance. I view the moments of that struggle as we advance history to elect this president as a close parallel to our steps to keep freedom of religion and other rights that we in an alternative walk hold near and dear. I am proud to be able to walk my path of the Qadishtu even though who and what we are not always accepted within our society. The struggle for equality in for many have always been a fact of life but with this election the barrier the separate us grows thinner....and thank the Gods for this new hope, this new light, this new experience and this wonderful new beginning.

Namaste',
Gryn

Qadishti moment

Sometimes we have people that come to us for Qadishti work, and sometimes we have ‘Qadishti moments’. Moments where we become Qadishti with the person we are with, though that wasn’t the intention to begin with.

These ‘moments’ seem to happen to me when I’m with someone new. My walls drop and I become vulnerable, soft, loving. I embrace the Divine within me and share that with the person I’m with.

One person that comes to mine is R. My husband and I decided that we wanted to find a guy for me to play with. We do odd things like this sometimes, so that we can attempt to grow into the people we want to be. Well, R came to the house and Dan let him know the rules and boundaries that we wanted to stick to. R was ok with them all.

I know he had to be nervous. He was an overweight guy and said that he was too shy to try and find dates the normal way, so he decided to answer our ad. I could feel my heart swelling. I wanted this to be an experience that he wouldn’t forget. I wanted him to feel loved and cherished.

Dan left the room but wasn’t far away. I held R’s hands and looked him in the eye. I cherished him with my look and my energy. Then, I kissed him. I fell into the kiss and blocked everything else out. It was about him and me. Once he started breathing heavy, I leaned back and slowly started to strip. I looked him in the eye, whenever he glanced up at my face. He saw that I was turned on by stripping for him. He allowed himself to reach out to touch me and felt me melt under his hand.

He moaned and pulled me toward him, kissing me more. Slowly, I undressed him. I touched him and moaned into his lips.

Soft, gentle, loving. He was lapping up everything I gave him. He was starved for loving touch.

He knew that intercourse wasn’t going to be part of the ‘scene’, but he was ok with that. I lovingly made love to his cock with my lips. He was flying high when I was done.

I felt like I was glowing with light and love for this person and he could see it and feel it.

When it was time for him to leave, he was shaking my husbands hand and giving him heartfelt thanks. All of us were smiling and hugging.

As it turned out, I was not to see R again in this capacity. He wrote my husband and I and said that he was afraid that he was falling in love with me, and that wasn’t the route he wanted to take with his life.

It was a couple of weeks later when we saw him again at a local dance for large men and women. He came up to us and thanked us. Being with me had brought him out of his shell enough for him to come out and try the dance. He was having a great time. I couldn’t ask for anything more from a Qadishti moment.

Receiving

Yesterday, my wife and I were joined by our Path of the Qadishti peers to share some teachings on sacred touch as a connection tool to each other.

Sometimes I lead these, but yesterday I was struck by the need to be person receiving.

It is amazing what we accomplish by working together. Our group yesterday created sacred space, a magical space, that allowed each of us to receive or give as needed. I needed to receive, and that need was met.

All without ego, without hierarchy. Although there are styles and teaching, the true depth of this comes from within. Allowing yourself to breath out, relax, drop your shields and receive. Breath out, relax, and allow yourself to give.

Michael Mirdad mentions "The sexual healing process involves learning the difference between healthy (spiritually-centered) and unhealthy (ego-centered) sexual encounters"(1) and this was very apparent and felt yesterday in our small space. We were a group of people who were acting as one to heal all; acting as all to share in the one.





1 - Sacred Sexuality--A Manual for Living Bliss by: Michael Mirdad)

Karuna Blessing #1 - Connecting to the Inner Feminine

Anoint the third eye:
May you truly see
The Goddess’ divine beauty
Within yourself
And in everyone you meet

Anoint the left palm:
May you deeply feel
Her divine love

Anoint the right palm:
May you share that love
With others

Anoint the heart area:
May your heart be free
Of all negativity

Anoint the genital area:
May your genitals be honored
As Her divine instruments

© Inara de Luna, 2008

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Last spring, the Temple of the Red Lotus offered Karuna Sessions at the festivals we attended. Karuna is a Sanskrit word that roughly translates as “compassion.” These sessions were an opportunity for individuals to receive Sacred Touch in a formal, highly ritualized way from trained, compassionate, Qadishtu priests and priestesses. Each person went through the process individually, and received the full attention of all the Temple staff. When they first approached the entrance to the Temple, they were blessed and anointed (see above). They were then led into the Altar room, where they sat before the Altar and had their feet bathed by one of the priests or priestesses. At that time, boundaries and needs were discussed quietly, and then the seeker was led into the Inner Sanctum, where they were introduced to the other two or three priests or priestesses present. The seeker was invited to lie down on the mattress and then they were surrounded. Urged to relax and receive, the Seeker then enjoyed the ministrations of the priests and priestesses, within their stated boundaries. The Goddess often led us to say certain things and move the energy in certain ways, depending on what each individual seeker needed from Her.

Everyone who experienced this left that tent transformed. One young man told his Guide during the foot bathing that he desired to connect with his feminine side. During his session, I encouraged him to breathe into his internal feminine parts, to truly feel his inner Yoni as well as his outer Lingam. I moved the energy through his sacral chakra, until I felt him begin to loosen up. His breathing deepened, his muscles relaxed, and his receptivity widened broadly. He started being able to accept our ministrations without attempting to reciprocate, as he had been in the beginning. The Goddess spoke through me, honoring both his masculine and his inner feminine. By the end of his 15 minutes in our loving, healing, accepting, compassionate circle, he was smiling. I knew then that something had shifted deep within him, but it wasn’t until I saw him the following evening that I truly understood. This man who had been having trouble accessing and connecting to his inner feminine came prancing up to me in a short skirt and halter top. He practically squealed when he saw me and twirled to show off his new purchase! He said that his session so profoundly awakened his connection to his inner feminine that he just had to play with how it felt to dress like a woman. He was so excited and pleased, and grateful to the Temple and those of us who had helped him reach a place of feeling comfortable experimenting with his gender.

Notes from Client ~X~ ... Our first sexual exchange

This this the third post in a series that began on September 12th. Real feelings from a real person. (All names being used here are psuedonyms except for that of David and Amanda who are ~X~'s Qadishti Temple Providers)

A great deal of interpersonal work enabled ~X~ and I to directly address the idea of intimacy during the October Full Moon. It took approximately six weeks of information gathering and getting to know one another before this happened, a much shorter period than I had thought possible. I feel honored to be engaged with someone like ~X~ who has been extremely open to sudden shifts in tempo and trusted my judgement during the process. She definitely took some big risks to change her relationship with the Temple of Terra Incognita last summer. Enjoy ... ~X~ is a skilled writer and her notes on our first sexual exchange are amazing.

Postscript 2/2/09:

This series of posts have been deleted and/or altered at the request of our Client who felt exposed (even though completely anonymous) by having such personal information on the internet. I think her shared thoughts were very valuable contributions to the Qadishtu Experience blog and thank her for allowing them to educate others during the time they were available to be read. I feel Client privacy concerns are always paramount in any Qadishti relationship and must be honored above everything else.

David

Inanna's Embrace

Sometimes our job as Qadishti is to witness, to validate, to affirm another's sacred sexual experience. Xavier, a Qadishtu Blog reader, sent me the following description of just such an experience he had recently, and gave me permission to post here...so we might all bear witness to the power of Inanna, Goddess of Sacred Prostitutes...

Thought I'd share with you an experience I had yesterday. I was sitting in a pew at the liberal and welcoming church I attend, and the minister led us into a "pastoral prayer" that involved his speaking and then a moment for meditation. As he started speaking, I closed my eyes and relaxed. I invited Inanna to hear this prayer being spoken and to "come unto me." Within just a moment, I felt Her presence behind me. I could picture Her there, her robes white and hanging perfectly from Her shoulders. The gown, however, was open and the garment exposed Her breasts, between which my head was cradled. She reached around and placed Her hands gently on my forehead, massaging my brow. It was just exquisite. Such peace.

My shoulders loosened and relaxed as She embraced me. Her hands then moved down, over my shoulders, across my chest, and I shivered as my body reacted to Her loving touch. Then, without a word, I felt Her push through me and She began to place Her Holy Presence inside of me. That is, She moved forward through the pew and sat down inside me. She moved Her arms to mimic where mine were; She nestled Her long legs to conform with mine and She seemed to be amused as Her feet slipped into my shoes. For a moment there, W/we were together in the same space. I felt Her breasts on my chest, I felt the warmth of Her vulva as it meshed with my stiffening cock. There was a flash of pleasure, intense and gratifying, in my head and then she kind of melted into every cell and was gone. The minister said, "Blessed be," and I opened my eyes, astonished at what had just happened. I stood, then, and a bit wobbly, sang with the rest of the church these words that seemed to fit the experience so well (and made me wonder how they had been chosen):

Return again, return again, return to the home of your soul

Return again, return again, return to the home of your soul

Return to who you are. Return to what you are. Return to where you are. Born and reborn again.

Xavier