Easing pain of seekers

I recently met a lady at a wedding reception. "Z" was sitting by herself along a wall. While she was busy watching others dance and mingle I was quietly observing her. I watched her toes tapping out the beat of the music but realized that Z was unable to join in the revelry, at least in part because her ankles and feet were extremely swollen. She was overweight but not so large as to justify the size of her ankles.
I could almost feel the anticipation in her posture, that, at any moment soon, someone would invite her to join in the fun.
The invitation never came.
I pulled up a chair next to Z and introduced myself. It turned out that she knew who I was, via a mutual friend, who referred us both to a group online. Small world but we had 'met' before,

even if it was only online.
I noticed that she hadn't eaten and so I offered to get her a plate of food from the kitchen downstairs. After I delivered the food, I got sidetracked in other Hostess duries. When I returned Z had cleaned her plate but was looking even more forlorn than before. So I sat with her again.
Although I was in my Hostess mode and wanted to keep the talk light, she began to talk.

Z opened with the beginning of her infirmity, which tragically began when an automobile hit her as a pedestrian, leaving her physically impaired. The subsequent lack of mobility resulted in weight gain and loss of self-esteem. Each of us is allowed to choose our reactions to our life situations and unfortunately this became her reality. To further compound matters, Z's husband of 26 years died just eight months ago. She viewed this as a final nail in the coffin of her previous identity. Her pain was palpable.
The story continued through most of the night even into the final cleanup when the discussion ensued about sleeping arrangements. My host admitted to me that Z had mentioned that she would be more than happy to bunk with me in my bed. I realized how lonely she was but I still didn't feel that sharing my bed was a viable option in this situation. Our host reminded me that this was fine as it was my choice and there were other options available.
Z seemed at a loss as to which direction to go. Almost instantly the Goddess had me offering my hand and asking to join me in sharing comfort. I lay down beside her and laughed with her about..... about, well nothing of import.
Sitting up next to her, I leaned into her and covered her in my embrace. The Goddess flowed through me into her belly and heart. Aligning her chakras, the Goddess allowed me to feel her pain centers. There were many. The Goddess guided my hands and empowered me to caress her entire body. Z began to touch me and I still her hand and whispered that this was the time she needed to release her desires to me. Z needed open and let me comfort her.
As her body opened I let the Goddess and the Goddess' innate sensual nature drive my hand into her yoni. I suckled at her breast. My head feel to her belly and she grabbed my hair and pulled me into her orgasmic release. I had a tiny ripple of pleasure that warmed my blood and soothed my soul with my acknowledgement of fulfilling what the Goddess wanted of me. That was my reward from the Goddess.
I held my lady.
My Goddess held me.

Star power

A few weeks back, we set up our Scarlet Sanctuary at an event and opened the door. The idea of the Scarlet Sanctuary, the way we do it, is simple - we provide loving, compassionate, non threatening sensual touch to anyone that wants to experience it. Everyone, regardless of race or age or size or style, is greeted with Qadishti Eyes of acceptance and that Heinlein sense of "Thou Art God/dess". They are brought inside and intimately led to receive.

(Receiving, we discovered, is very hard for some people. For lots of people. Just to lay there and allow yourself to just be, just receive erotic touch, and not feel like you are supposed to do anything).

As it happened, "Everyone, regardless of..." was tested for me personally at this event, as I found myself working on a 'Star'. Now, I do not mean TV Star or a Hollywood Star (although she may be in movies). But in this case, she is a star of the erotic circles. Would you have heard of her? Well, if you run in my circles, then yes, but the fact that I knew who she was, and she was one of the first people I ever saw lecture, was threatening to throw me off balance. Both my own sense of awe at working with her and my own ego (look who I am working on) were observed as possibly causing this to be less than sacred.

Until we got started. Once we got started, it was no longer about her as The Star, nor was it about Me the Qadesh Working with the Star, it was just two people. It just a receiver and a giver. She simply was another human, another person, full of sensual love. I was just a giver, allowing my ego to sleep while I ministered to another of the beutiful beings that inhabit the world.

Beyond that, her response and mine, become a matter like many other sessions, but one too private feeling to post here.

The important thing I took away from this experience is not that everyone is just another person. But instead, something that I was told at the very first sacred sexuality event I ever went to was brought to mind - "Everyone is a star"

Personalizing objects

One of the most psychologically interesting interactions I've ever had was with a man who broke into my garden apartment when I was in my early 20s to rape me.

My daughters were very young (6 months and 2-1/2 years) and I was a single parent sleeping on the couch in my living room, while the girls shared the bedroom space. I felt someone touching my breast and instantly woke up. When I looked up, a shadowy form was jacking off next to me. When the man noticed I was conscious, he threw a sheet over my head and climbed on top of me, saying he would hurt my children if I didn't cooperate.

The rapist said he didn't want to harm anyone, he just wanted to get his rocks off. Carefully touching my errogenous zones this man never hurt me. At some point I asked him if he was married. He said no. The apartment was quiet while he was busy trying to get himself hard and then the rapist muttered something about me being so young. I responded that I wasn't as young as he might think and asked him why he was doing this. He quickly responded with a "shhhhh."

His touch was gentle and when it came to actually doing anything, he always asked my permission first, such as when he attempted to finger my ass. As he was probing I whispered, "that's going to hurt" and the rapist replied: "OK, I won't." Finally the man started exploring my vagina and asked if he could fuck me. "If you're asking, then no," I said and again he replied: "Ok, I won't." After that he masturbated for release and shot his load on my rug. As the rapist was leaving I said, "Hey, can you do me a favor? ... Please, close the window on the way out."

He did.

Amanda

Scarlet Sanctuary and the abdl

I have many stories from the evening at Winter Wickedness and our time in the Scarlet Sanctuary, but the one that stands out for me is my session with the 'adult baby diaper lover'. I knew this was going to happen, as they had emailed me before hand to see if I'd be able to do it.

When I first received the email, my first reaction was that I wouldn't be able to do it. With my triggers, it was asking for trouble. Dan said he'd take care of writing them back to gently let them know that I wouldn't be able to do such a session. But, we both sat there and thought about it and I told him that it felt like I was supposed to do this. He said he had the same feeling. So, I looked within myself and decided to give it a try. I've been through a lot of work and healing over the last years and this would be a way that I could help someone else.

We talked more with the couple over the following weeks and I told them what my triggers were. But, that since he was a male, I was going to give it a try. They were very appreciative.

Saturday night rolls around and it's time for the session of sacred touch. I went to the altar and called on my Priestess side and then went out to greet them.

We put 2 tables together so that we could work on both members of the couple at the same time. Feeling the energy of the abdl, I could see that he needed to have her close by. He was in child mode. He called me 'Miss Dawn', like an obedient child and I proceeded to undress him. He helped out in the manner that a child would. We set his teddy bear off to the side in a safe place and I proceeded to walk him to the table. I had someone else helping me at the time with the girl, undressing her and such, so that I wouldn't have to leave the guy alone while dealing with the gal. He was in such a space that it wouldn't have been good for me to leave him alone during any point of this. He was very vulnerable and I considered him very brave to be doing this at all. That is what kept going through my head...how brave he was. Though it was a kinky event that we were at, abdl's still get looked at funny. But, there really isnt' any other place for them to go and let that side of themselves out.

Well, I got him on the table after he whispered to me asking if I was going to be ok with him wearing a diaper. Oddly enough, I was perfectly fine with it. I thought it would be a shame for him to have to take it off just to make me feel better. My heart was telling me that he needed to be embraced completely while in this mode. He needed to be accepted and loved. It was no different than the trans persons that had come in through the night. It was someone that needed loving touch, while in their alternate persona. And that's what I gave him. I opened my heart and gave him love. His energy was so warm and gentle. Hers was caring and loving for him.

After about 20 - 25 minutes, me and my helper were both finished. We helped the couple up and helped them get re-dressed. Both of them had huge smiles on their faces.

When done with the session, I went to the statue and gave it all the icky stuff that I had pulled from his belly. More energy to be used later.

I thanked the Goddess for allowing me to experience such a moment.

They told me later that it had been more than what they had imagined. All through the night if they saw me taking a break out in the hall, they would stop me and say how much they had appreciated the experience.

No triggers for me. I was actually able to channel pretty well and got some messages from the Goddess. I'm still processing those.

It was a beautiful, loving experience.

--- dawn

Qadishti Eyes

“Every closed eye is not sleeping, and every open eye is not seeing.” Bill Cosby

I usually try to watch where I am walking (yes, Grace is a nickname) but as I stand at an elevator waiting for the crowds to part, I begin to notice that I was the only person in site wearing a skirt, camisole and jacket in earth tones. To my left were suits in gray, black and navy. To my right were suits in navy, black and gray. I steal a quick glance over my shoulder and see a whole sea of blacks, navies and grays. I turn completely around and begin squinting my eyes, as if I am looking for someone, and as I squint, the sea of black, navy and gray blur into a vastness of muted dark with only miniscule specks of a lighter flesh color for faces.

Ughh! I need to see sunlight and the cerulean blue sky. Quickly.

The elevator dings its arrival and I turn and wait until the passengers exit before entering the cube myself. A smooth ride to the lobby and I am able to escape out the side door. Soon I am squinting for another reason even as I smile into the sunshine.

I share my smile with the other people around me. Another cluster of business suits all still pushing buttons on their blackberries, or gazing off into the parking lot with blank stares. A fascinating study of humans and how they can so disassociate with the living around them. I admit that it is easier to exclude yourself from intimacy especially when in public. But this is opposite to all the teachings that I learn in walking the Path of the Qadishti. As a Qadishti, I seek to make a connection with the stranger next to me just as much as I make a connection with any seeker.

My eyes drift shut as I think about how important my eyes are to my work. My eyes are the first link to seeing inside someone’s soul. My eyes are the windows to my heart, just as your eyes are the windows to your heart.

Previously on this very Blog, some of my colleagues have talked about the importance of eyes. We try to elucidate the significance of opening our eyes to truly see who is in front of us every waking moment. It is a labor of our love for this path in helping others open themselves as humans, as individuals, and as sexual beings. Our job is to help our seekers connect all the parts. This connection is our Qadishti labor of love.

My year with genital herpes

I went to the post office like any other day. It was a little startling to see an envelope addressed to me in my own handwriting until I remembered going to the doctor a few weeks before. I had gone to my first visit to a new doctor, and they had taken blood and urine samples for testing. I had been given an envelope to address for mailing my results to me. I had no expectation of anything negative showing up.

Of course, as you can tell from the title of the post, the envelope held bad news. I was positive for both type one and type two herpes. I had never had any symptoms. As I waited for my husband to come home, I started researching the disease over the internet, trying to understand what had happened.

I verified that it was possible for me to have the disease and yet no symptoms. Not only that but it’s very common so the person who infected me might have had no symptoms either. According to several sources, about 50 to 80 percent of American adults have type one herpes, which is usually oral. It is often transmitted in childhood in nonsexual contact with an adult. One in five people have HSV-2, which usually presents in the genitals. My chances as a sexually active woman are even higher (one in four) than if I had a penis. It is sexually transmitted.

I began the humiliating process of calling my lovers to tell them the news and suggest that they get tested. I was actively involved with the two of the people on that list, and they both agreed to get tested right away. The third person I had had sex with was no longer a part of my life, but the number I had for him still worked. He said he would not be able to do so right away but would get to it in a few months.

I went back to the doctor to discuss my diagnosis. She explained much of what my research had told me. She told me that, since I had no symptoms and assuming my husband would test positive, there wasn’t anything I needed to do. I disagreed. I asked to be put on Valtrex, which would lessen my chances of passing the disease on to anyone else. After three years of unprotected sex with my husband, we began using condoms.

My insurance would not cover a second test. I asked what type of test they had given me, but neither the doctor nor the technician could tell me beyond that it was a test for IgG antibodies. As opposed to earlier, less reliable tests for IgM antibodies. I had hoped to take a different test, but I do not know if the second test was the same as the first. It was cheaper to use an online service than my doctor’s office. The second test was the ELISA test.

My husband and lover both tested negative for HSV-2. My results for the second test were the same as the first. I called my ex-boyfriend and encouraged him to get tested, going as far to tell him that since both of my other lovers tested negative, it meant he most likely was not. He felt that, since he was in a monogamous relationship, it was not urgent that he get tested. My husband and lover were tested again about six months after their first tests with the same results.

What followed was a pretty stressful time. My husband hating using condoms, and my lover and I agreed not to have intercourse. I scrutinized every sensation related to my vulva. Was that sensation the elastic of my underwear or something under my skin that I couldn’t see, crawling up my nerves, shedding infectious skin cells on people I loved? I couldn’t see any sores. I was healthy on the surface, but something in my blood made that a lie.

I even felt guilty for being so distressed. It’s not like I had cancer or anything else that threatened my life or even hindered it except for the blue pill I took every night. I bet someone in constant pain or difficulty breathing would trade me diagnoses in a second.

I kept telling myself that I was the same person I was before the test results, but I didn’t feel the same.

Then several months later, I got a call from my ex-boyfriend. He had tested negative. I was glad that he wasn’t infected but I was very confused. All the people I had ever had sex with were negative for this sexually transmitted disease. It didn’t make sense.

I called the national hotline for herpes. The woman on the phone told me that the situation I described was impossible. Someone must have gotten tested for IgM anti-bodies instead of IgG. She implied that someone was lying to me. When I asked if I could have been infected at birth, she scornfully told me, “You would know if that happened.”

I got off the phone hurt and distressed. I simply didn’t believe that any of the men I had trusted with my body would lie to me. I confirmed with each about the type of anti-bodies tested. I began to research more on-line. Eventually, I found an article about the Western blot test used as confirmatory test in cases of women with a low positive HSV-2 score on ELISA tests. In this research project, 30% of women with a low positive result with ELISA were found to be negative by Western Blot. I had to research even more to learn what exactly a “low positive” was and to check the results from over six months earlier to see that I did qualify.

Having been frustrated by my general practice doctor not understanding why I would want to use Valtrex, I talked to my gynecologist about getting the Western Blot. It is only performed at the University of Washington, but it is considered the gold standard of herpes testing. My doctor knew of the test as a confirmatory tool, but she wasn’t sure how to order it. I printed out the information off of the University of Washington website and faxed it to her.

This is getting long, so I won’t go too far into the comedy of errors that was trying to get my blood to Seattle. UW wouldn’t pay, even though I was paying the full cost of the test out of my pocket or allow me to reimburse them for shipping the package. My doctor wouldn’t either. Only some Fed Ex locations ship biological material and even after calling first the second time, I managed to visit two places that did not. The high point found me in tears in my office at work announcing to my supervisor that that there was a box with a vial of my blood in the crisper of the refrigerator of our break room.

Two blood draws and a few hundred dollars later, three human scientists independently verified that I was negative for HSV-2. I am very relieved and angry at the barriers I had faced to get to that point. I believed for almost exactly a year that I had genital herpes. I found new ways to be sexual in that time. I dealt with the feeling of being “damaged goods.” I had to tell old lovers and new ones that I was a risk to their health. I had to decide whether I was willing to take the chance of infecting someone I cared about with an incurable disease every time I approached intimacy with another person. I looked down the long road of an entire lifetime of doing all of this. I learned to celebrate and enjoy my sexuality despite it all. All of that will make me a better priestess when someone else who is diagnosed with this very common disease comes to me for comfort and understanding.

Karuna Blessing #1 - Connecting to the Inner Feminine

Anoint the third eye:
May you truly see
The Goddess’ divine beauty
Within yourself
And in everyone you meet

Anoint the left palm:
May you deeply feel
Her divine love

Anoint the right palm:
May you share that love
With others

Anoint the heart area:
May your heart be free
Of all negativity

Anoint the genital area:
May your genitals be honored
As Her divine instruments

© Inara de Luna, 2008

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Last spring, the Temple of the Red Lotus offered Karuna Sessions at the festivals we attended. Karuna is a Sanskrit word that roughly translates as “compassion.” These sessions were an opportunity for individuals to receive Sacred Touch in a formal, highly ritualized way from trained, compassionate, Qadishtu priests and priestesses. Each person went through the process individually, and received the full attention of all the Temple staff. When they first approached the entrance to the Temple, they were blessed and anointed (see above). They were then led into the Altar room, where they sat before the Altar and had their feet bathed by one of the priests or priestesses. At that time, boundaries and needs were discussed quietly, and then the seeker was led into the Inner Sanctum, where they were introduced to the other two or three priests or priestesses present. The seeker was invited to lie down on the mattress and then they were surrounded. Urged to relax and receive, the Seeker then enjoyed the ministrations of the priests and priestesses, within their stated boundaries. The Goddess often led us to say certain things and move the energy in certain ways, depending on what each individual seeker needed from Her.

Everyone who experienced this left that tent transformed. One young man told his Guide during the foot bathing that he desired to connect with his feminine side. During his session, I encouraged him to breathe into his internal feminine parts, to truly feel his inner Yoni as well as his outer Lingam. I moved the energy through his sacral chakra, until I felt him begin to loosen up. His breathing deepened, his muscles relaxed, and his receptivity widened broadly. He started being able to accept our ministrations without attempting to reciprocate, as he had been in the beginning. The Goddess spoke through me, honoring both his masculine and his inner feminine. By the end of his 15 minutes in our loving, healing, accepting, compassionate circle, he was smiling. I knew then that something had shifted deep within him, but it wasn’t until I saw him the following evening that I truly understood. This man who had been having trouble accessing and connecting to his inner feminine came prancing up to me in a short skirt and halter top. He practically squealed when he saw me and twirled to show off his new purchase! He said that his session so profoundly awakened his connection to his inner feminine that he just had to play with how it felt to dress like a woman. He was so excited and pleased, and grateful to the Temple and those of us who had helped him reach a place of feeling comfortable experimenting with his gender.